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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29658984">Alone at Night</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/CommonlyParasitic/pseuds/Parasitic'>Parasitic (CommonlyParasitic)</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Canonical Character Death, Car Accidents, Coma, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, High School, Hospitalization, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Seizures, Sketchy Reiner, Substance Abuse, Trauma, Underage Drinking, Vomiting, brief tho, idk we’ll get there, i’ll update these as it goes on</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 22:27:26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Underage</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>20,839</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29658984</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/CommonlyParasitic/pseuds/Parasitic</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Having lost his parents just before his 14th birthday, Eren finds himself fueled with anger at the world for taking them away. A hospitalization is the turning point, and now, at 15, Eren is rebelling against his grandparents’ and his friends senselessly. He finds himself lost, so to speak, until a mysterious man finds him in the night and offers him a light to follow out of his darkness.</p><p>—<br/>Formerly titled Anathema</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Levi Ackerman/Eren Yeager</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>35</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Edited: 3/16/21</p>
<p>Even though I literally just wrote this, it started out as something that was just for fun so I didn't try too hard and suddenly that made me hella fckn anxious</p>
<p>After figuring out what I was going to do to address this, I decided to just edit the existing chapters before I continue so I've started that process!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The room was stifled under the steam and heat of his recent shower, his lungs laboring in the manufactured humidity. And yet, he paid no mind. Instead, he stared at his blurred reflection in the mirror, in that steam-covered glass he was nothing but a smear—a smudge of darkness in an otherwise distorted reflection. His eyes trained on the form, trying to more perfectly see himself, but no matter how long he stared, the image never became clearer. </p>
<p>He stared and stared, the heat from the room slowly filled his body until it boiled. His lips turned down into a sneer, predating the baring of his teeth. His eyes widened and then narrowed in anger, eyebrows tilting down. His muscles tensed, a budding anticipation as they prepared to strike. </p>
<p>In a sudden expulsion of that tension building in his muscles, a fist met mirror glass. An impressive shatter was lost on his ears, cotton stuffed with an incessant ringing. The sharp pain of dozens of tiny shards slicing over his knuckles was distant too, dulled by his rampant emotions. The blood that was running over the back of his hand in blossoming rivulets meant nothing, his fist reeling back to hit it again and again. All that mattered at that moment was his rage that someone could supposedly be here, and still mean nothing, a formless reflection in a cold, uncaring mirror. A smear in a cold, uncaring world. </p>
<p>So lost in the haze of anger and heat and steam, he didn’t hear the pounding on the locked door. His name shouted and cursed over and over. He had not heard the splintering, crashing sound of the mirror, but someone else had, and they were desperately trying to reach him. But he paid no mind, had no mind to pay in the end. </p>
<p>He would never discern for the future, whether from burgeoning foggy memories or simply not caring to reflect, whether it was the overwhelming heat, the blood, or the emotions which began to prick his vision with blackness. Perhaps he had begun to hold his breath, lungs rejecting the humid air that was choking him or else his body’s defense against itself. Regardless, the pricks became spots and soon those spots covered his vision in velvety darkness. The ringing in his ears and the strain in his muscles, all of it, deafened. The last sensation he felt was an odd coolness, as the air beneath him gave way to tile. He heard, rather than felt the sharp crack to his head. And then there was peaceful calm. </p>
<p>Calm which lasted, seemingly, for years and years, or perhaps mere seconds. In the nothingness that held him, time meant nothing. An immortal lost-ness, no sensations, no feelings as even the calm leached away into the nothing. It was all swallowed away for an unknown amount of time, until the nothing became something, as that something reached down to him. </p>
<p>“Eren.” The voice was soft and rang down to him like a chime, or else the soft notes of a piano. Heaven encompassed in sweet intonations. “Eren.” Its melody swelled around him, covering him like a warm blanket. “<em>Eren.<em>” The song became more urgent, but it was lovely. “Eren!” It was his mother’s voice, urging him to get up to do this or that. Something inside him pulled at her voice, it urged him to open his eyes, to see her face. He had to see her face or he might never again. Why might he never again? It was a silly thought, her voice constantly rang out to him, every day, there was no real need to despair. “<i>Eren!<i>” He’s heard her voice again, so there was no need to wake up just yet. He could slip back into darkness and peace, a cotton cloud. And so he did. </i></i></em></em></p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i></i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i></i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>Once again, time was meaningless and he was brought back to that place of nothingness. </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>The next sound to rouse him wasn’t nearly as comforting. Beeps, repetitive and orderly and horribly obnoxious. The boy thought that if he concentrated hard enough he could hear a quiet murmur of voices or the quiet echo of footsteps, but the required concentration induced a violent pain in his head, though not enough of a pain to make him open his eyes, nor did the sound of approaching footsteps. Instead, his mind was held captive by pain that cracked his skull, trapping it in an ever-tightening cage, until suddenly that cage expanded and nothing held his attention anymore. With the headache gone, and the annoying beeps still assaulting his ears, Eren figured there was nothing to stay awake for. </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>And so he didn’t. </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>The next time his consciousness stirred, well. It was short-lived. What was the point?</em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>And darkness returned. </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>“Eren.” His consciousness roused again. The last time he heard his name... who had it been? Was that even his name at all? </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>Time...</em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>“Eren, please wake up.” For the first time in the infinite cycle of unconsciousness followed by brief awareness, the boy felt something other than the stabbing pain ripping apart his skull, followed by sudden, overwhelming relief. Rather, this time, he felt a hand hold his, and squeeze it. </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>Something about it seemed... less familiar somehow, even though there was nothing to compare it to, no reason to describe it as ‘less.’ The hand encasing his squeezed and squeezed. For a moment he thought perhaps he could squeeze back. He thought about it, even tried hard for a moment, directing any mental faculty he thought he could access into the motion. He didn’t know why he cared so much and he certainly didn’t if he had accomplished his goal before a gasp followed him back...</em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>...into endless infinity...</em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
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      <em>
        
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>“Eren?” Those voices around him asked for this man constantly now, the boy being aware more and more. It seemed like they wanted him, the boy wished this Eren guy would just answer so he could stop hearing about him. </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>…….</em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>When his eyes cracked open only marginally and all he saw was darkness, for several minutes he contemplated if it was worth opening his eyes further. If it was dark out here too, then why open his eyes? </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>Something deep inside him, though, seemed to care a lot about finishing what he started, so over the course of several minutes, the brunet slowly opened his left eye. Repeating the action with the right eye still proved to be difficult, but quicker this time.  It was dark, but he could see a faint illumination on his left. </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>It took great effort to move his eyes towards the left, but his core persisted and the boy was rewarded with a gentle light. It was still dark, but it gave him hope that this world wasn’t just more darkness, and perhaps he had a reason to keep his eyes open. He stared for a few minutes, before his eyes closed again, drifting back to the familiar, safer-feeling surroundings. </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>….</em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>The next time he was aware, it felt much easier to keep track of his surroundings, and yet he found no real desire to keep that awareness. The inner parts of his being that wanted to persist and the part which was drowsy warred, until he drifted back.</em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>.</em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>A hand was holding onto his again, squeezing rather tightly. The pressure almost hurt and he felt the need to squeeze back, just to retaliate for the forced grinding of his bones, his body seemingly worn down from its general disuse was more sensitive than he supposed it was normally. He concentrated on that feeling, however, and reciprocated as much as he was able. </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>He could tell his grip wasn’t very strong, but this time when he heard the gasp, his eyes decided to open too. It was slow, blinking away the darkness behind his eyes, replacing it with the light of the room. The beeping was still there, incessant. But there was a girl too. Her hair was dark, reaching just to the space above her shoulders. Wide, gray eyes grew wider, her mouth slowly opening, agape. “Eren you’re... let me get the doctor.” And then the girl was gone. Was he Eren? </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>Being left alone again, he glanced around the room, moving only his eyes as his head felt much too heavy for motion. He didn’t understand the machines beeping around him, or why it was so white everywhere. The confusion muddled his brain, sticking to him in annoying clouds around his head, too thick to let thoughts pass through. Something though, something deep inside him was distressed, he could feel the unpleasant emotion curling around his heart and triggering tension in his muscles. While he could detect it, it felt as though a white screen separated him from the emotions, enough to detach him from the emotion, masking the cause. </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>The distress seemed to grow, alter into dread as it twisted through him, urging him back towards that incessant beeping. He looked at the machines again and his vision seemed to... pulse, in a way. In time with the pulse in his vision, the sounds of the room suddenly faded away, sucking in towards his head and leaving suffocating silence. </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
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        <em>His vision pulsed again, or rather the image of the square room seemed to suddenly jerk up diagonally, the machines flickered. New, staticky images superimposed on what he was seeing. In his vision were still machines and rooms, but different, everything cast in hues of muted sepia. </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
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        <em>His body seemed to abhor the image, even if the scared boy didn’t understand the insistent press of torment on his mind, his breathing still began to border on hyperventilation. In a seemingly correlated event, the boy somehow registered that one of the machines was beeping much quicker now, though the sound was barely detectable. The light that had been in the room started to fade, his ears ringing, as the muted sepia became impossible deeper in color. Impossibly more sinister as well, the colors seemingly screaming danger at the boy. </em>
      </em>
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  </em>
</p>
<p>
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        <em>Darkness creeped in at the edges of his vision, branching out in terrible, growing vines. The floor seemed to tilt around him, leaning on a sharp diagonal. He took a startled breath, seemingly startling the room back into its original form. But, the calm which set over the scene was too calm and too quiet. The sound of his breathing hollowed out deep in his ears in apprehension. </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
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    <em>
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        <em>A sound cut through the dulling in his ears. A squeak, door hinges. His eyes slowly slid over to the door. As it opened, slowly, way too slowly, the lights flickered overhead and dark points seemed to seep into the door frame. Not points, fingers. A hand, pure black and with fingers that seemed to reach and reach, or perhaps the pointed tips reeked more of claws, inhumanly sharp. The door was opened. </em>
      </em>
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  </em>
</p>
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        <em>His dry mouth suddenly felt drier, as the fear and anxiety clenched at his heart and stole breath straight from his lungs. That hand unsettled him, pure evil radiated from it in waves. But what that hand connected to was so much worse, the long, thin claws connected to an impossibly long arm, itself connected to an enormously tall creature. It was covered in hard edges, sharp elbows and ribs which jutted out. The whole creature dripped thick, shiny liquid, oil. A particularly thick string dripped from one pointed elbow.  </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
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        <em>Forcing his eyes up its body to its eyes was torture, and when he saw a wide mouth opening impossibly wider to reveal needle-thin, iridescent teeth, a tired throat that hadn’t uttered any noise in some time, screamed. </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
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        <em>The creatures lumbered forward, reaching, grabbing until his mind shut down in the tightening clutches of fear. </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>‘My name is Eren Jaeger and I am in the hospital. They are treating me for post-traumatic amnesia, hallucinations, and delusions caused by a concussion.’</em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
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        <em>He stared down at the handwritten note, his doctor had suggested he write it to himself to remind him, words written by someone he trusted, himself. Right, Eren. Himself. It was getting easier to remember that. The doctors were working with him on it, amnesia was hard they said, but Eren was young and he’d only been in the coma for a week and the concussion had healed well, so they thought he’d make a quick recovery. His first few days were full of tests and people picking at his brain. </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
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        <em>It was annoying to be attended to as he was. But that girl, the way her eyes had grown warm when he called her, off-handedly, by her name, Mikasa, urged him to just let himself heal. </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
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        <em>That first day he met, or re-met, a few other people who rushed to the hospital once he had woken up from the sedation. Apparently, he had screamed relentlessly and hit his doctor until they were forced to sedate him. Something no one particularly wanted to subject him to after he’d just woken up, but it couldn’t be helped. He just wouldn’t calm down, allegedly. The brunet wasn’t wholly convinced it had happened, since after that first hallucination all he remembered was darkness, and his mind told him to not trust his doctors. </em>
      </em>
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  </em>
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        <em>Nonetheless, after the sedation, he opened his eyes again and when he did, the girl and three others were there. And, thankfully, no oil monsters were in attendance. The blond boy introduced himself as Armin, the old couple as his grandparents. The girl had opened her mouth to introduce herself, but Eren had needed water and he had asked her. </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
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        <em>“Mikasa, can you hand me that glass?”</em></em></em></em></p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>
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      <em>
        <em>* * * * *</em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </p>
</div><p>
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      <em>His memories started to come back to him, sometimes in clips or sudden barrages. For example, he knew he had other friends in school, ones who Mikasa had absolutely refused to let visit, in the event that he was overwhelmed. Jean... Sasha... Connie. He remembered he’d just celebrated his 14th birthday, or rather that it had passed, as he didn’t remember celebrating it whatsoever. He remembered his grandparents’ home, old and small, but cozy. </em>
    </em>
  </em>
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      <em>But there was something <em>important<em> that he was not remembering. He felt the edges of it flash in a spur of wings against the back of his mind when the doctor explained that they’d usually let amnesia patients go home to familiar surroundings. It helped them remember more, but <em>under the circumstances<em>, they wanted to observe him while he regained his memories.  Part of those circumstances seemed to be the horrifying hallucinations he was still having, although less and less. But it didn’t seem like that was it, not solely. Yet, the inkling he had fluttered away, quick as a hummingbird</em></em></em></em></em>
    </em>
  </em>
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        <em>Weeks later, he read over the note in his hand again, and he really felt as though he didn’t need to read it over anymore. He knew all of it as truly as he remembered who he was now. He knows he’s Eren. With a quiet huff, the brunet tossed the paper away, towards the wastebasket at the side of the room. No one was visiting him at the moment, his friends were in school and his grandparents were doing <em>something.<em></em></em></em>
      </em>
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  </em>
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            <em>Eren cursed softly, inwardly, for not remembering what exactly that something was. His agitation itched at his brain as he tried to remember, except he really couldn’t, instead he briely pondered if they had told him at all.  But he couldn’t trust that thought, not with his mind as it was now. </em>
          </em>
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  </em>
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            <em>He stood up then, not wanting to think about it anymore. Besides, he was encouraged to walk around at this point. He didn’t need the IVs anymore and had been moved to a suite in the hospital rather than a normal treatment room. Aside from the anti-anxiety medication to help reduce the hallucinations and the occasional dose of sedation, only his mind was being treated now. </em>
          </em>
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  </em>
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            <em>As he had made his third circuit around the room, his door opened revealing his doctor. Dr. Smith was a tall man, with kind blue eyes and perfectly styled blonde hair. He was always kind to Eren. Today he sat on the arm of a plush chair, crossing one leg over the other as he watched the younger boy make his way around the room. </em>
          </em>
        </em>
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    </em>
  </em>
</p>
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            <em>“Good morning Mr. Jaeger, how are you feeling?” His voice was soft and charismatic, he had noticed over his stay here that the doctor seemed to know the right thing to say to anyone. He’d seen nurses and other doctors easily charmed at the beck of the elegant man. </em>
          </em>
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    </em>
  </em>
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            <em>“I’m fine,” Eren said, his words coming out more as a mumble than a clear statement, his shoulders lifting and falling in a short shrug. </em>
          </em>
        </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
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          <em>
            <em>“Have you remembered anything more?” Dr. Smith learned, Eren assumed, at some point during their interactions together that it was better to be blunt with him, partly from his wandering mind and partly from his basic personality. </em>
          </em>
        </em>
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    </em>
  </em>
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            <em>“I think I have a pretty good grasp on everything,” Eren said, rather confidently. Although that confidence slipped away when Dr. Smith asked another question, Eren stopped in his cricut and stared at him. He watched the doctor’s lips move as he repeated the question, the tilt of his head making it obvious it was, in fact, a question. But... he just didn’t hear it, literally couldn’t hear any of the sounds that were uttered. The boy blinked, shaking his head slightly, trying to clear his ears of whatever had deafened them. Oddly though, the next time the doctor spoke he could hear him clearly. </em>
          </em>
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    </em>
  </em>
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            <em>“I suppose not then.” The doctor said and Eren wasn’t sure what he meant. Regardless, the man smiled easily at him, not moving when a nurse came in and set Eren’s breakfast at the table. The boy moved over to sit and eat, the doctor pulled out his own breakfast. At some point in his stay here, the doctor asked if he could hide away with him on his breaks since no one bothered him when he was with patients. Eren didn’t really care and said he could, now, in the present, he ate quickly. </em>
          </em>
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    </em>
  </em>
</p>
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            <em>“Eren?” The boy looked up at him, startled, assuming the doctor had spoken again while he was caught up, once again, in his own mind. The ringing in his ears had certainly distracted him, apart from the swirling thoughts and memories. </em>
          </em>
        </em>
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            <em>“Sorry, what did you say?” The colors of this room seemed to seep away, and air pulse in his throat, but never into his lungs. The sudden fear caught him off guard for only a moment, before it consumed him in an inferno of deeply clenching anxiety. </em>
          </em>
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</p>
<p>
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            <em>“I said with your progress you might get to leave soon.” Eren simply nodded in response, the sickness in his stomach increasing, the ringing increasing in pitch and volume. </em>
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            <em>“And Eren?” The food slid from his lifted fork, falling back into the plate, but the brunet couldn’t hear it. He didn’t notice it either, the room suddenly growing some otherworldly quality. </em>
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            <em>“Yes?” His voice was breathless, and far away, barely registering in his own ears. He wasn’t even sure the doctor could hear him, something told him that he should end this conversation quickly. The dread, it told him so, this man was dangerous. Eren stared in disbelief at the doctor as his lips turned up in a smile. The corners didn’t stop their ascent, they kept moving, the corners arching up crudely in long, sharp points. </em>
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            <em>“Don’t remember. If you know what’s good for you.” </em>
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            <em>“D-doctor.” And then the creature's corners, all his corners and not just his mouth, turned sharp. His body grew grotesquely large and lanky. </em>
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            <em>Eren screamed.</em>
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<p></p><div class="center">
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        <em>* * * * *</em>
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      <em>His grandparents visited him often, but they seemed overly kind, a forced kindness rather than genuine, it made Eren generally suspicious. Today, their smiles were especially wide, explaining that he could go home soon. The doctors determined they’d done all they could and the best thing for him was to be at home. But something in their eyes was guarded, and Eren could just feel it grating at that spot in the back of his mind. </em>
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      <em>He wanted to snap at them to just tell him what it was, but something held him back. Maybe it was the waning sadness that his grandmother tried to hide. Rather than yell, he hugged them. He remembered now, summers spent with them. Baking with his grandmother, trying to sneak into his grandfather's medical tools, and, and something else. He was sure he remembered something else. </em>
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      <em>“Aren’t you excited to come home?” He pondered that word, home. Something about his grandparent’s house being his home felt inherently off.  </em>
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      <em>“Of course.” He said the words even though he didn’t really know how to feel about it. But his grandfather beamed at the response, a warm smile covering up whatever secret they were keeping from him. </em>
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      <em>“You might even be able to start school again and see all of your friends. I’m sure the rest of them miss you.” Eren snorted in response as he leaned back in his chair. </em>
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      <em>“Probably, they’re probably lost without me.” The single raised corner of his mouth revealed the joke behind his words, something about this attitude, lightly teasing his friends felt right, it felt like him. His grandmother smiled, yet again, and ruffled his hair.</em>
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      <em>“Well, we ought to go put the finishing touches on your room then!” His grandmother clapped her hands together excitedly and hugged him. It wasn’t until they left that he wondered why his room would have to be set up at the house that was already meant to be his home. </em>
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      <em>He leaned into the corner of the plush chair, hooking his leg up and over the other arm as he thought, clasping his hands over his chest. He hadn’t realized how long he’d sat there, until, at precisely 4 o’clock, Mikasa walked in as she did every weekday, the closest second she could come after school. </em>
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      <em>“Eren, how’re you feeling?” Her smile was soft, as it often was. It matched well with her soft, slightly hopeful eyes. Eren was caught in them for a moment, the warmth of their closeness returning to his memories provided a new blanket of safety. Even if he couldn’t quite trust his grandparents, he felt like he could trust her. Those wide eyes squinted softly as her smile widened, catching his staring. The new angle of her head allowed the afternoon sun to hit them such that the soft silver reflected back at him. </em>
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      <em>“Fine.” He said finally, not bothering to sit up for his new company. She always asked how he was feeling, her protective nature as present as ever. “I’m ready to get out of here. It’s too cramped, but I guess the doctors are letting me leave soon.” Her new smile still wasn’t large, it never was, but he could tell the emotion behind it was expansive. </em>
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      <em>It had been a long month in the hospital.</em>
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<p></p><div class="center">
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        <em>* * * * *</em>
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      <em>Even though the hallucinations were becoming substantially less frequent now, the boy having a completely lucid mind for the entire week, one had taken hold over him, keeping Eren a prisoner in his own mind. This time, black oiled hands reached out to him from the darkness along the floor. Eren couldn’t even scream this time, the fear that clenched his chest was somehow too great, and all he could do was grip the bedsheets with white knuckles. </em>
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      <em>It wasn’t the most terrifying thing he had ever seen, but something about those hands gripping and reaching, combined with the sounds from shadows, sharp screeches, not even remotely human, tugged harshly at his nerves. He clenched his eyes tightly, trying to hum to himself like the doctors taught him, it was meant to help calm his mind. </em>
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      <em>“Eren?” His eyes opened at the sound of the doctors’ voice, and the room was no longer dark. He wasn’t even in his bed anymore, instead he was staring at himself walking around the room, while Dr. Smith lounged on the arm of the chair again. </em>
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      <em>The scene was familiar, a fully reconstructed memory playing around him. Only this time, when the doctor asked his third question, Eren in the present could hear what he, himself, in the past had not. </em>
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      <em>“Do you remember your parents?” And the other Eren stared at him, unseeing but questioning. The doctor spoke slower. “Eren, do you remember your parents?” And after another long stare from the boy his face relaxed into a smile. A sad smile. “I suppose not then.” </em>
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      <em>It occurred to him that he must have heard the doctor that day too, his fractured mind working hard to push his surroundings out from his live perception. Before he could think further, though, on what Dr. Smith asked him, Eren felt his stomach drop as his body abruptly fell backward, a not-so-unfamiliar sickness clutching at his stomach as he saw colors and lights blur past him as he sped by. When it stopped suddenly, Eren forced his eyes open and saw his hospital room again, not even processing that he could not differentiate dreams from waking hallucinations, time not even a question in his thoughts. He had no room for other thoughts as the hands and the screeches were still there. </em>
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      <em>These sounds were getting louder, and, somehow, Eren smelled rain in them, his mind too entrenched in the moment to realize a sound couldn’t have a smell. </em>
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      <em>The hands stretched on incredibly, unreasonably, long arms towards him, finally reaching the bed and grabbing his ankle. He tried to scramble back, to tear his leg away but he couldn’t. More and more arms seized him, until the screeching of the tires and the smell of heavy rain attacked his senses full force. </em>
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      <em>A light, a pair of lights flash across his vision, across a windshield, as his father swerved into the other lane on the highway. Eren was dizzy with the motion of the car turning so suddenly, and he couldn’t comprehend why his father had made such a sudden movement.</em>
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      <em>And he had no time to contemplate it as the world crumpled around him, metal crunching. </em>
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      <em>His world went dark, lights and motions around him a blur as his body ached in inky blackness. He could smell the motor oil that dribbled around the car, could see his mother’s hand reaching through it, towards him. The oil clung to her skin in branching rivulets, she stretched her arm so far. Before he could even think to reach back towards her, he felt himself picked up and pulled away from the scene. His world went dark again. </em>
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      <em>When he woke in the hospital, almost completely unscathed, his grandparents’ looked at him with sorrow in their eyes. And they reached out to hold his hand, their last surviving family member. The walls were a muddy, deep beige, the evening sun giving an orange hue that made them an ugly sepia. The machines keeping him stable beeped rhythmically. They told him the news, slowly, stunted. </em>
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      <em>Eren remembered all of it, his parents, the crash, his last stay in a hospital. </em>
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      <em>And his rage at the world that took them away.</em>
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</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thank you for reading and giving this a chance!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>TW: descriptions of substance abuse, mild vomiting (not super detailed)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The year since he’d left the hospital had only given Eren one thing: more and more reasons his grandparents probably didn’t want him anymore or at least, shouldn’t. Evidenced by, in his mind, the fact that, currently, Eren Jaeger found himself in the shady part of town leaning against an alleyway wall smoking a cigarette. </p><p>It was an entirely unpleasant experience. Smoke rained over portions of the sky from the nearby industrial district, an overflowing dumpster ensured that garbage littered the area, and Eren was sure that the second he moved his feet he’d feel his shoes sticking to the pavement, if the discoloration dotting the ground  was anything to go by. The cigarette was simply a necessity to dull out the terrible smell. </p><p>The chill set on by the late hour and the fact it was still only April wasn’t entirely hated though. Sure, it made his fingers and toes ache in numbness, but it granted the rest of his body respite from the forcefulness of feeling. While all he had to feel right now were clothes and brick walls, he didn’t want any part of it. The fact that his body forced him to feel anything at all was particularly distasteful. Plus, the minor pain wasn’t minded. There was a certain interest to be given in the way his fingertips could process the prickle of a too cold night and the burning of a cigarette all at once. It was a sensation he didn’t despise being forced to experience. </p><p>The footsteps coming towards him were expected, so when Eren noticed the backlit man walking towards him he wasn’t at all afraid. An alleyway drug deal was terribly cliché, but he did what he had to, to contend to the... other feelings.</p><p>Sometimes he reveled in his rage, picking fights and dabbling in mindless vandalism. But sometimes, in the moments he doubted he could actually tear the world down by its’ throat. Those were the times he needed to numb his whole body and mind. </p><p>And so when the familiar man approached, Eren waved for just a second. They’d met a few times now. Reiner was a bit of a brute, large and with short blonde hair, holding an authoritative stance. </p><p>“Hey.” Eren added as he tossed his cigarette to the side, not bothering to stomp it out. What was going to happen, the stone would catch fire? </p><p>“Hey.” Reiner responded simply. They never talked much anymore, the deal was always the same and Eren was reliable. Silently, Eren reached into his wallet for the money he had snatched from his grandparents’ wallets over the past couple weeks. Seven crumpled and faded 20 dollar bills that would finally grant him relief. However, Reiner placed his hand over Eren’s, pausing his motion as he had been reaching the money forward. Eren’s eyes flicked up to the tall man instead, a question flitting across his eyes. </p><p>“What?” He asked hastily, not wanting to delay this. If this guy had finally gotten some morals and decided to stop selling to a minor, Eren was going to have a fit. </p><p>Reiner didn’t reply immediately, instead sliding his fingertips along Eren’s arm, up his shoulder, along his jaw, finally grabbing his chin. Apart from the tickling sensation of fingertips running over slightly numbed skin, Eren found himself shivering from the warmth of them. </p><p>“There are other ways to pay you know. You could keep that money and get yourself something nice.” The grip on his chin tightened as Eren felt sickness pool in his stomach. No, he was not interested in something like that at all. Eren had a strict no-love thing going on. </p><p>“I’m not looking for a relationship.” Eren said quickly, holding up his hands in a sign of surrender. </p><p>Reiner’s eyebrow quirked, an amused smile touching his lips. “Neither am I.” Oh. <em>Oh<em>. Right. Eren cursed himself for the naivety of childhood clinging to him. People who <em>slept together<em> did not need to date. Right. </em></em></em></em></p><p>
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</p><p>After berating himself and finally clearing out his thoughts, Eren proceeded to press the money to Reiner’s chest, the man’s only response was an exhalation of breath, a very annoyed breath. Still, he took the bag he always had for Eren out of his backpack and handed it to him. </p><p>
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</p><p>“Maybe next time.” Eren replied mysteriously, quirking up the corner of his mouth. He had no intention of ever doing <em>that<em>, but he wanted to keep Reiner on his good side so his connection didn’t disappear. Luckily, the past year had afforded him a new sense of control over his facial expressions, evidenced by Reiner’s smirk. </em></em></p><p>
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</p><p>Eren shoved his new possession into his own backpack, before finally leaving the alley. It was Friday night, so he had his whole weekend free to get high and chill out. Usually he would try to stay with one of his friends, luckily the last time he had wanted to get high Armin’s grandfather had been out of town which made explanations a lot easier. </p><p>
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</p><p>His friends had found out about his recreational drug use, sort of. They found his weed and assumed that the high he felt whenever he got high was from that. He wasn’t the only naive 15 year old out there. He was thankful for that though, because it meant no one nagged him over it. Well, Armin had done a little nagging over it since it was still illegal here. Mikasa had seemed to fight with herself over it, one part protective and not wanting Eren making shady deals but, seeing Eren relax finally was rewarding. And so the saga of his friends finding out about it had ended peacefully. </p><p>
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</p><p>However, Armin’s grandfather had decided to take Armin to tour a couple colleges. It was way too early to even consider college in Eren’s mind, but Armin wanted to get a start on the tours. And Mikasa was babysitting. </p><p>
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</p><p>As for his other friends, while still close, he never really stayed over at their places without it being a group outing. It was still a convenient excuse, though, to tell his grandparents he was staying over at Jean’s. While realistically he knew they were just glad he was spending time with friends and less time with his thoughts, the predominant feeling pressing at his thoughts was that they were glad to be rid of him on weekends like these. </p><p>
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</p><p>Instead Eren walked through the streets, finally forced to rub his hands together. It probably wasn’t safe to stay outside all weekend, but he honestly couldn’t bring himself to care. </p><p>
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</p><p>He had packed some food in his backpack along with a blanket, a good decision based on how fucking cold it was getting now. </p><p>
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</p><p>He’d been walking for about 20 minutes when he finally saw the rundown park that he’d decided would house him until he wandered home. </p><p>
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</p><p>Scaling the chain link fence was easy enough, the rubbed warmth of his fingers allotted them flexibility and the toes of his shoes fit in the gaps of the fence. Once at the top he jumped down, only releasing a small gasp as the impact sent a vibration up his body. </p><p>
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</p><p>It only took a moment of recuperation before Eren walked over to the play tunnel, shoving his blanket inside for later. Finally, he’d be able to relax. His eyes cast around until he spotted a stone drinking fountain, walking over swiftly, he pulled out a school folder, placing it onto the flat surface. </p><p>
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</p><p>Finally, <em>finally<em> he extracted the bag of heroin he’d just bought. </em></em></p><p>
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</p><p>Eren told himself that it wasn’t that bad because he didn’t inject it, he just snorted it. Which sucked, his nose would get dry and bloody sometimes and it stung as all hell, but at least he wasn’t shooting up. He’d been hesitant originally to try it. The high probability of addiction turned him off, he never wanted to be controlled by something, ever. But the alluring effects, the relaxation and numbness. The chance to feel good for awhile. He needed it, and so he had tried it. </p><p>
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</p><p>He wasn’t addicted, he could see how somehow could be. The rush was amazing. But whether by some weird physiological phenomenon or the sheer force of Eren’s will be wasn’t. He always bought five doses worth and he could hold onto those for weeks without feeling overly agitated at the thought. </p><p>
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</p><p>The rush always hit almost immediately. The beginnings of it sent warmth through his body to retaliate against the cold. He quickly, as quickly as he could, cleaned up and made his way back over to the play tunnel, settling on the ground and resting his back against the wall. The heaviness was settling in now, first in his toes and reaching its way up his legs. It felt grounding, it was grounding. Everything felt amazing, the stars in the sky and the slight breeze made his heart swell with pleasantness. Even as his head fell back against the tunnel, it growing way too difficult to hold his head up, everything felt nice. </p><p>
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</p><p>If he’d been smarter he’d have climbed into the tunnel with his blanket, but instead he let the pleasant dizziness drag his muscles down into liquid outside, under the faint light of the moon and stars that peaked from clouds. He felt insanely glad there were no streetlights here, no artificial light to bother him as his body sank deeper into the feeling of it. </p><p>
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</p><p>Peaceful... dreamy. He almost felt like he was being held up by bubbles. Weightless and boneless at the same time. Warm bubbles perhaps, because he felt wrapped in the pleasant heat. Bubbles made of... what? And what did bubbles have to do with anything anyways? Nothing it seemed, instead the pleasant darkness of his eyelids... that’s all that mattered. </p><p>
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</p><p>He slept through the gradual movement from high to sober. It only took six hours or so, so when he woke up, still in the dead of the night with an achingly dry mouth and his stomach opposing the very essence of existing, he simply grimaced. The sleep had been pleasant and airy and endless, but the crash was much harder than that comfortable space. </p><p>
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</p><p>Eren coughed, his stomach riling at the motion, prompting him to quickly grab some water from his backpack. He knew he should sip at it slowly, but his mouth was absolute sandpaper and he needed all of water as quickly as he could get it. It only took a few moments after he had nearly inhaled the water before he rocked to the side to immediately dispel the contents of his stomach— mostly water. He coughed and sputtered, breathing heavily as he sat back again. His limbs were starting to get shaky, not too terribly but enough to be a bother. Coming down was always terrible, but not nearly as terrible as the weekend he’d gone on a bender. Staying high for most of the weekend meant that when he’d woken up on Monday he’d felt like absolute death. That was the day he decided to only get high once every few weekends. </p><p>
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</p><p>Once he was sure his stomach was not going to protest, Eren stood slowly. He was exhausted, ready to crawl into the tunnel and pass out. And so he did. The blanket kept him warm when he no longer had the drug to do that for him. </p><p>
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</p><p>When he heard the sound of his alarm playing on his phone, he groaned. He did not want to get up. But he also had little desire to run into any children that might come to play here. But just as he was bargaining with himself that it didn’t matter if a kid woke him up, he actually did kind of like kids so what did it matter, his second alarm blared at him. He knew himself too well. </p><p>
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</p><p>With a very undignified groan, Eren forced himself up. Unfortunately, he smacked his head into the tunnel immediately, eliciting a loud curse before he gripped his head. Fortunately, the impact helped wake him up and Eren dragged himself from the tunnel, shoving his blanket back into the backpack. He also washed down some pain meds with an energy drink he had packed. The granola bar momentarily caught his eye, but the boy ultimately decided to save it for later. Instead he stood up, swung the backpack onto his back and decided to wander around the city. </p><p>
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</p><p>He, realistically, hadn’t had to tell his grandparents that he’d be gone the whole weekend, since he’d only planned to get high on Friday night and he still could tell them that he and Jean decided to cut it short, but Eren wanted the freedom from them. They were overly cheerful, painfully oblivious to everything going wrong with him. Or otherwise, they’d rather just ignore it in favor of pretending everything was peachy. It wasn’t, not since... but even that they brushed under the rug. It infuriated Eren to no end and meant he had zero guilt for taking their money. </p><p>
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</p><p>And so, instead of going home to a warm bed where he could pass out for the next day, he continued his exploration of the city. Albeit, not that much of an exploration since he’d done this twice before. </p><p>
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</p><p>At some point Eren found himself in a mall, window shopping. Nothing really spoke to him and he only had $20 left so he didn’t stop to really look at anything too closely. That was until he passed a shop with different trinkets, specifically one metal pin that had caught the light and shined at him. He entered the full shop, quickly walking towards the shelf that held it. It was silver, a crest holding crossed wings. Something about it called to him, but he couldn’t at all afford it. Quickly thinking, Eren picked it up to look closer before setting it back down on a lower shelf, he then went around to look at other items in the shop. He hadn’t ever stolen something that wasn’t in his own home. The money was grabbed when his grandparents weren’t even in the room, and the cigarettes from his grandfather were easy to nab once he’d discovered their hiding place, since his grandfather told his grandmother he’d stopped smoking. Luckily, their short-term memory seemed lacking enough that they hadn’t noticed. But, regardless, Eren thought he had gained some level of sneakiness, so although his felt his heart rate pick up, he set in a plan to get that pin. After a circuit around the store he passed by the pin again, sliding his hand over it then sliding it into his pocket. Or at least he would’ve. </p><p>
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</p><p>With a gasp, Eren froze as a hand slid around his wrist. Shit, he was totally caught and this wasn’t going to go well for him. As he resigned himself to, in the very least getting a talking to by mall security and at the most being arrested, the hand slid down his wrist to his hand, snatching the pin from it. His body jerked when he felt air brush over his ear and lips brushing against the shell of it, all preceding a low but gravelly voice whispering to him. Right into his ear. “Before you steal, check if the store has sensors.” And then whoever was behind him stepped back, and Eren quickly fled from the store. He didn’t bother to check behind him, wanting to get as far as he could so that hopefully he didn’t get into massive trouble. </p><p>
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</p><p>Once he had reached an area a block away from the mall, Eren accepted that maybe he would, in fact, be fine. Even so, it was a few minutes before he calmed down enough to sit at the bench and pull out the snacks he had packed and finally ate. Then he continued his walk, not daring to stop in any other shops. </p><p>
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</p><p>Wandering around the city aimlessly was lonely, but freeing. He didn’t have to fake any happiness, or worse actually be happy when he really didn’t want to be. Yet, near evening when he saw Reiner walking by with a couple friends, Eren raised his hand in greeting. He wasn’t entirely expecting the man to notice him since he was across the street, yet the man waved him over and so Eren crossed the street. </p><p>
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</p><p>“Hey.” The boy hooked his thumbs into his pockets, casually. Reiner was with two others. Another much taller man, a brunet with green eyes and a blonde woman. </p><p>
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</p><p>“Hey, what’re you doing wandering around here?” Reiner didn’t actually seem particularly interested in what he was doing, but there was still a lilt to it. Some other motive. </p><p>
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</p><p>“Just hanging around.” He answered, shrugging. Reiner glanced at his friends before he answered. </p><p>
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</p><p>“We’re heading back to my place for drinks. Come over?” Even though it was a question, it wasn’t. Eren hated the presumption in it, but he didn’t want to piss Reiner off and, besides, drinking was welcome. So with a short nod, Eren ended up following Reiner back to a basement level apartment. </p><p>
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</p><p>The walk had been long and quiet on Eren’s part, but he had been thankful when they had passed his park residence of the weekend. He wouldn’t have to walk far at all whenever he left. While it would objectively be better to crash at Reiner’s, undoubtedly warmer, he had no desire to. Of course, he also didn’t know if Reiner would have offered it anyways. </p><p>
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</p><p>The living room was dark when they entered, hazy from old smoke, but with a couple worn and stained brown couches. Eren easily collapsed into one, his feet aching from a day full of walking, plus his body was still tired from the after effects of the heroin. Bertholdt, he learned on the walk over, was Reiner’s roommate and he sat heavily on the other couch. The girl, Annie, perched herself on the arm of the same couch. They had kept a steady conversation on the way over, Bertholdt more than Annie, but Reiner had cut in more than once. They continued their conversation, Berrholdt smiling easily while Annie remained stoic. It seemed like it had been about something or other they had done during the week, so Eren was completely lost. </p><p>
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</p><p>Reiner, who had walked directly to the kitchen, came back then with drinks. He handed beers to his friends and set one on the table for himself but, to Eren’s surprise, he handed him a glass of some mixed drink. He glanced at the beers then back up at Reiner, an eyebrow raised. </p><p>
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</p><p>The man laughed softly and then smirked. “I figured you might enjoy something sweeter.” </p><p>
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</p><p>“I’ve had alcohol before.” Eren insisted, but he took the glass and sipped it. It was delicious, and it didn’t turn his stomach like the other times he had had alcohol. He hadn’t noticed his immediate relieved expression, but apparently Reiner had, as he laughed once again. </p><p>
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</p><p>Reiner set up a movie for them to watch before he settled next to Eren on the couch, kicking up his feet on the coffee table. Eren hated to admit that he was slightly uncomfortable, this was a totally weird situation but he wanted to stay chill so he forced himself to relax into the couch. </p><p>
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</p><p>However, before the movie could really get started, Annie paused it. “Hey you guys want pizza?” This immediately started a debate between the three of them, over what pizza to get. Eren stayed out of it, instead nervously sipping at his drink, heavily reminding himself to not chug it. </p><p>
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</p><p>“So Eren,” Reiner started, and Eren quickly looked  up at him, “Looks like you’re deciding. Chicken and bacon or supreme for the second pizza?” </p><p>
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</p><p>Eren flustered for a moment, he hadn’t been paying attention to the conversation at all. He didn’t even know what the first pizza was going to be. The question was clear, but whose wrath would he incur if he made the wrong choice? Of course it was just pizza, but the sharp look in Annie’s eyes... “Chicken and bacon.” He said softly, Reiner smirked broadly as Annie huffed and slid off the arm of the chair to sit next to Bertholdt. </p><p>
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</p><p>“Fine, but you’re paying now.” She pointed at Reiner, who shrugged and put the order into his phone and then started the movie again. When the pizza came, they ate and continued watching the movie. Eren learned the first pizza had been pepperoni which, he guessed, was pretty standard. Before the pizza came and then after too, Reiner kept refilling Eren’s drink. He was thankful, he wanted to get drunk but wouldn’t dare ask for more on his own. After Reiner finished his last slice of pizza, he lit up a joint and passed it to Eren, which he accepted and passed on. And for the rest of the movie they just generally chilled, and Eren relaxed substantially. Who cares if it’s a little weird, everyone else was super chill about it so he could be too. The fog settling over his mind certainly helped, the pizza had helped setting his tipsyness back to a buzz, but with the addition of the high, Eren felt himself quickly vaulting towards drunk. </p><p>
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</p><p>After the movie though, Annie stood up, stretching. “I’m out, got work in the morning.” She said as she made her exit, it was unceremonious, as they seemed to do this a lot. However, it took Eren a moment to process through the haze in his mind. This was probably his cue to go too, but then Reiner slid an arm over his shoulders as he started another movie. Eren didn’t even have the capacity to be incredibly annoyed by the action, instead he rested his head against Reiner’s shoulder and dozed through the second movie. </p><p>
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</p><p>However, Bertholdt roused him from his dozing at the end of the second movie. “Hey, Eren, where are you staying tonight?” If Eren had been sober he would’ve processed the look shared between the taller man and Reiner. But instead, his eyes blinked open, looking at Bertholdt. His mind had cleared somewhat from the nap and the lack of more intoxicating substances for the last two hours. </p><p>
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</p><p>“Oh nearby.” He murmured, extracting himself from Reiner’s side slowly, just a bit wobbly on his feet as he stretched. “I should probably get going actually.” </p><p>
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</p><p>“Cool, see you around.” Reiner said, although he maintained eye contact with Bertholdt. Eren still hadn’t noticed the weird atmosphere, as he wandered towards the door. “Eren.” Came Reiner’s voice, more staunch this time. Eren turned towards him slowly. </p><p>
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</p><p>“Oh yeah, sorry, thanks for inviting me. See you around.” He murmured, the words slow and slightly slurred. </p><p>
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</p><p>Reiner raised his eyebrows and motioned at the foot of the couch he was still sitting on. “Don’t forget your backpack.”</p><p>
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</p><p>“Oh, right.” Eren laughed and walked back over, picking it up. When he started to straighten again, Reiner grabbed his wrist, causing Eren to look back up at him. </p><p>
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</p><p>“Let’s do this again.” He smirked as Eren’s surprise freely radiated from his face. He hadn’t expected the man to want to do this again. It’s not like he’d been a bad guest, but he hadn’t found himself to be that much of an interesting one either. So, really, why would the man want him to come over again?</p><p>
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</p><p>“Sure thing.” Eren murmured, only then did Reiner let him go, and Eren was finally able to leave. </p><p>
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</p><p>The walk back to the park was a bit slow, but Eren made it. However, he’d forgotten about something. The damn fence. “Shit.” His limbs were still slow to respond, and his balance was shakey at best. Eren glanced around for any other option, but his slowed brain could think of nothing. Cursing, he attempted the climb. And for his part, he did make it up the fence, albeit it slowly and with a fair amount of additional cursing. However, his landing was far less graceful this time. Instead, once Eren had reached the top of the fence, he swung his first leg over as per usual, but the momentum was off and he flung himself to the side off the fence. His other leg had caught momentarily on the top of the fence, causing a burning pain to run down his thigh, which acted as an excellent prelude to the pain of his entire side crashing heavily into the pavement. Eren was groaning instantly, but he could tell from the lack of sharp pains that no serious injury had been gained. He’d have a hellish bruise come tomorrow though. He took a few minutes to lay there and breathe, completely hating his life and everything he’d done to get himself to that point. However, eventually, he had to end his pity party and get up slowly, making his way back over to the play tunnel. Rather than climb into it, Eren’s drunken mind just couldn’t care less and he sat in his spot from the previous night, leaning against the side of the play tunnel. </p><p>
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</p><p>Damn. He wanted a cigarette. Eren groaned loudly, forcing himself to sit forward and take his backpack from his back. The blanket came first, which he just laid across his lap as he fished for the cigarettes, when he finally found it though he felt like he’d found the damn city of gold. His hope was quickly dashed when he opened it and found nothing. Right. He had finished them in the alleyway yesterday. Eren cursed and retrieved his last snack instead. The HoneyBun gleamed like a beacon of hope as he tore into it, grateful for it even though they weren’t normally his favorite. Tonight it was absolutely his favorite thing in the whole world. </p><p>
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</p><p>He was too enthralled, in fact, to notice the man who had climbed the fence and was walking over. </p><p>
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</p><p>“What’re you doing here?” A low, gravelly and somewhat familiar voice filtered down to Eren, who froze for a few long moments before he held up the wrapper of his demolished treat. </p><p>
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</p><p>“Eating. What’re you doing here?” The man didn’t respond, apparently looking around at the mess surrounding Eren considering his next question. </p><p>
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</p><p>“Want a smoke?” Eren finally looked up then. The night was darker tonight, and he couldn’t see much, the man apparently was wearing dark clothes which blended into the surroundings. Instead, Eren could really only detect splashes of pale skin that made up hands, a neck, and an unclear face. </p><p>
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</p><p>“Yeah man.” Eren responded, and the man settled on top of the play tunnel, legs still extending out. Eren followed the motion and then looked up at his face, still trying to distinguish any features. He had recognized the voice marginally, but nothing about this man screamed familiarity so maybe he didn’t recognize it after all. The man extended a cigarette to Eren, who took it quickly, placing it between his lips as he fetched his lighter. It took an embarrassing amount of time to light it, the other man was already taking drags from his own by the time Eren got it. </p><p>
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</p><p>They smoked in silence, the intoxication still strong enough to stave off the total weirdness of this. This was way stranger than the hangout with Reiner, at least he’d known Reiner and could actually, you know, see his face. </p><p>
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</p><p>“You homeless?” The man asked, but Eren had been lost in his thoughts. </p><p>
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</p><p>“Huh?” The man clicked his tongue in a slightly annoyed fashion. </p><p>
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</p><p>“Are you homeless?” He asked again, in overly clear syllables. </p><p>
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</p><p>“No.” Eren snapped, even cross-faded, he didn’t enjoy being demeaned to. </p><p>
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</p><p>“Then why are you sleeping in a park?” Ah. Well, now he felt very stupid. He should’ve just gone with it, what could he say to this stranger to make him understand that these transient living conditions kept him sane when he had to go back to school and be a real person?   </p><p>
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</p><p>“It’s nice out.” Eren said with a shrug. He didn’t get a response and they settled back into silence. With bewilderment, Eren watched the man walk towards the water fountain. What was he doing? Watching his motions was hard in the dark and it dawned on him that the man had used the adjoining ash tray. This park was regularly littered with buds so what did it matter? Eren rolled his eyes as the man approached, and moved to just flick the bud onto the ground, to make a point. But slim, long fingers caught his hand. Something about that... </p><p>
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</p><p>“Littering is disgusting.” The man said sharply as he plucked the bud from Eren’s fingers, going about the same disposal method. Eren released an annoyed sound, who was this guy? When the man neared again he tossed something heavy, but small, into Eren’s lap. </p><p>
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</p><p>“Have a good night kid.” He said before walking away. He was gone by the time Eren had lifted the object close enough to his face to look over it. A silver pin, with intersecting wings. </p><p>
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  <em>Shit<em>. </em></em>
</p><p>
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</p><p>He had recognized the man’s voice.</p><p>
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>First! Thank you so much to everyone who has left kudos or even just given this the time of day at all!</p><p>I hope this is okay since it took a p big tone shift </p><p>It also turned into a bit of a longer chapter but only one line break to format yayyy</p><p>Also I didn’t describe the characters too much but if I messed up I’m sorry I’m super fckn colorblind and was just going off of google</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Despite his newly swirling thoughts, Eren easily passed out in the tunnel from the intoxication still in his system. However, it wasn’t enough to keep away the dreams. </p><p>They plagued him most nights, leaving dark circles in place under his once brilliantly green eyes, now dulled with exhaustion. The dreams, or rather nightmares, were much of the same sort. Mostly, his old hallucinations reappeared in his unconscious state. Foreboding, oil-slick creatures lumbering towards him. Sometimes he ran away from them in a hospital, lights flickering; the other times he was on a stretch of highway under heavy rain. Those were the worst ones, his feet constantly slipped in the precipitation and, usually, he ran past a certain car crumpled on the highway. It always made him freeze, he couldn’t see it and continued running. He had to search for his parents, his mom. But the second he stopped moving, a creature would grab him by the throat and—</p><p>He woke up with a gasp, hand flying to his throat to check if it was free of obstruction. It was, and yet his breathing was picked up in pace for several minutes before he was able to calm down. Once he was calm though, the headache and dry mouth became the focus of his mind. With a groan, Eren reached out to pull his phone from his pocket to check the time. 4:23, good enough. He pulled himself from the tunnel, although his body complained the whole time. He quickly pulled water and pain meds from his backpack again, repeating his routine from the day before except he held down the water this time. Next, he opened up the front pocket of his backpack to grab his external charger, but his hand first made contact with something rather cold and thin. He only ever kept his external battery in here, so he hesitantly pulled out the object, observing it. </p><p>The pin. </p><p>And the memory reignited in his mind. That was definitely real, and it was still just as absurd. Shakily, he replaced the pin and took out the battery, plugging in his phone. Who was that man? </p><p>Eren reached for his breakfast mindlessly then, thoughts cycling over the memory of last night obsessively until his hand found nothing. Dammit, drunk people are the worst, especially him. </p><p>Eren cursed the loss of his HoneyBun for the few minutes it took him to pack up. Going home on Sunday mornings was always the best, simply on the standpoint that his backpack was no longer a hassle, lightened by the disappearance of food and drinks. It was the worst because it meant he was going home. </p><p>Eren circled around the drinking fountain to toss his empty water bottle in the recycling bin. There was no reason to go around the water fountain, but he found himself checking the adjoining ashtray. Sure enough, two new cigarette buds. Damn, who was that man and why had he given Eren a $60 silver pin he’d try to steal? More concerning, why was the memory of that man so hard to force from his thoughts? </p><p>As Eren approached the fence he remembered his fall, which explained why he was <em>this<em> sore, he’d slept in the play tunnel a couple of times and it had never been that uncomfortable. Eren scaled the fence once more, making all of the complaining noises he wanted to make since no one was around, and landed on the other side. He looked back at the fence for a moment before kicking it, in retribution for last night. </em></em></p><p>
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</p><p>Eren was glad he’d kept his last $20 when his stomach grumbled loudly at him as he approached the 24-hour convenience store. He quickly loaded up on various junk items; Donettes, cereal treat bars, a damn HoneyBun, some juice. While he was deciding exactly which juice to buy, he heard the cashier ringing someone up. They had only gotten one of the shitty dollar coffees, but after the cashier handed the man his receipt, Eren heard a familiar voice say a very clear; “Thank you,” but by the time Eren processed it and whipped around, the door was closed. From where he was he couldn’t even see out the front windows. He almost dropped everything he was carrying to run after the man, but the demands of his stomach meant that he reached for the nearest juice and quickly went to the register. He needed to talk to this guy, unfortunately, the cashier didn’t seem to be on his side. Every moment of the process seemed positively enormous. When the interaction was finally complete with Eren’s own muttered thank you, he quickly ran out of the shop and looked up and down the street. But there was no one. Dammit, where had that man gone? </p><p>
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</p><p>With a soft shout of frustration, Eren walked to his bus stop. He really just wanted to know who the hell the guy was, and it was nagging the hell out of him. The city was definitely way too large for him to ever see the guy again on accident and he was never going to get answers. Granted, he <em>had<em>, probably, maybe, just run into him again, sort of. Eren slumped into a bench at his bus stop and tore into his breakfast. He didn’t even know what the man looked like, how could he ever find someone based on the fact they had a low voice? Millions of people have a low voice. Eren sighed in annoyance as he ate his breakfast, completely dismissing the melancholy growing in his mind. The guy was a stranger, he wasn’t sad that he’d never get to figure out the guy’s deal, he was just annoyed. To his actual dismay, Eren discovered he had grabbed Ruby Red OceanSpray, who the hell even liked the taste of grapefruit? </em></em></p><p>
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</p><p>Eren finished eating moments before the first bus of the day pulled up, so he got on silently using his student pass. The bus ride home would take at least an hour, so he settled in a seat at the back and abruptly passed out. He took the bus enough that his body intuitively knew about when to wake up, so he wasn’t concerned about missing his stop. </p><p>
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</p><p>As expected, Eren woke a few minutes from his stop, enough time to blink back into awareness and assess his surroundings. The walk home from the stop only took 10 minutes, meaning he had 15 minutes left before he had to have some semblance of composure to handle his grandparents. Not that he had been generally not composed this weekend, but he certainly hadn’t smiled the wide smile his grandparents always told him they loved.  </p><p>
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</p><p>When he got off the bus, Eren’s mind wandered back to the mysterious man, almost wanting to turn around and head back immediately to increase his chances of running into him. But that was crazy, the curiosity tugging at his mind was not enough to run away or spend any more time on public transit. With a resolute decision, Eren pushed the thoughts from his mind. He wouldn’t think of the mystery man anymore, instead, he started his walk home. Back to his ‘normal’ life. </p><p>
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</p><p>His front door felt like a portal to an alternate dimension as he pulled the smile onto his face and opened the door. His grandmother immediately smiled and walked over to hug him, not even reacting to him wearing the exact same clothes he’d left in for school on Friday. </p><p>
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</p><p>“Welcome back, Eren!” She chirped as she discreetly checked him over, before pulling him down to kiss his forehead. </p><p>
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</p><p>“Hi, grandma!” She never noticed how forced his returned happiness was. “I have a bunch of homework to do so...” he trailed off as his grandmother nodded. He quickly made his way down the hall, very pointedly not looking at the off-color rectangles which betrayed where photos of his parents had hung for years before his grandparents removed them last year. He had had a photo of himself and his parents in a picture frame on his nightstand table even, but when his grandfather had seen it he had flown into a rage Eren had never seen. Needless to say, Eren hid any remaining photos he had. </p><p>
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</p><p>They were just sweeping everything under the rug. Sometimes, Eren felt like he was swept under the rug too when they continued to ignore the less subtle hints to his spiral. </p><p>
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</p><p>When he entered his room, his mask immediately fell, replaced instead with a sullen face. He was relieved to not have to force himself to smile, but he was even more relieved to crawl into bed. He had no intentions of doing any work, instead, he desperately needed more sleep. He was always absolutely exhausted after weekends like these. </p><p>
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</p><p>When his nightmare woke him in the early morning, Eren was disoriented for a few minutes, sitting up to look around the room slowly. Slowly, because his frozen and tensed muscles were slow to relax. Not only was he contending with the racing heart and clammy skin from the nightmare, but he also couldn’t remember why he was in this room, why wasn’t he at home? Where were...</p><p>
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</p><p>The brutal impact of the truth always left him breathless. These moments were cruel, the moment where he lost his footing in the present snd felt himself slide back into the past, only to have his heart stolen again as he realized the truth of his reality. He twisted to grab sleeping medication, a prescription given to him months ago, so he could forget the newly opened heartache, but he caught sight of a plate on his desk. </p><p>
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</p><p>His grandmother had left him dinner, and despite the fact it was going to be ice cold based on the fact it was now the middle of the night, Eren slid from his bed covers and retrieved his cold dinner. He picked at it for a bit before he returned it to the kitchen, disposing of the remaining food. </p><p>
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</p><p>He returned to his bed,  finally checking the time, 2:47. Definitely too late to take his sleeping meds. He resigned himself, instead, to fucking around on his phone. He could do his homework, but he could also not. He was never going anywhere anyway. Not in life, not academically, not in any single way. He’d personally made sure of that. </p><p>
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</p><p>The beeping of his alarm startled him, considering his phone was directly in his hand mere inches from his face and ears. Beyond the start of the day, the rest was shaping out normally. He left his bed, showered, and dressed. He stayed in his room until the last possible moment so he wouldn’t have to interact with his grandparents, and he took the city bus to school. </p><p>
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</p><p>It wasn’t even until he had reached his locker that anyone bothered him. Of course, it was Jean. Eren could deal with him, he was his friend, but he was also not generally enthused about dealing with him this early. </p><p>
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</p><p>“Kirstein.” Eren acknowledged idly as he shoved his backpack into his locker, subsequently withdrawing the materials he’d need for the day. Jean casually leaned against the lockers, crossing his arms. </p><p>
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</p><p>“So you were at my house this weekend, hm?” That caused a pause in Eren. “My parents were pretty confused when your grandmother called saying you’d forgotten your medication. So, how much trouble did you get in?” Eren quickly shut his locker, turning to walk towards his class. His grandparents had known, but they hadn’t said anything. </p><p>
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</p><p>“None actually.” Jean whistled softly, a sound of amazement. </p><p>
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</p><p>“Damn. Where the hell were you?” </p><p>
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</p><p>“Not really your business Jean.” </p><p>
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</p><p>“Touchy.” The taller boy raised his eyebrows. “Seriously dude, if you’re gonna use me as cover the least you could do is say where you were.” Before Eren could retort, however, Mikasa walked up to them. Her presence was enough for Jean to lose any sense of intelligent thought, it was kind of pathetic actually. Eren waved at her and was honestly over interaction at the moment so while he’d normally stay to talk to his friend, he instead quickly walked off to his first class. History. Whoever thought scheduling history at 8 am was an absolute idiot, but luckily with his seat in the back, Eren could successfully nap through the boring lecture on how trade routes shaped modern borders or some shit. He usually napped through the class, the teacher didn’t even bother him anymore when he noticed. This was aided by the fact Eren had no friends in this class, however, when he was woken up only to drag himself to his next class, Mikasa waved at him from their seats near the front. And so the boy went forward to the seats, since where the hell else would he go?</p><p>
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</p><p>“So, where were you this weekend?” As soon as the question left the girl’s mouth, Eren felt himself silently curse out Jean as he suddenly wished he had anywhere else to go. Instead, he sat down, setting his binder on the desk. </p><p>
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</p><p>“Just, hung around,” Eren murmured as he shrugged, adding to his nonchalant demeanor. “Anyways, what about you?” Mikasa, however, based on her look, was not one bit amused or deterred. </p><p>
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</p><p>“Seriously Eren.” Her voice was perfectly serious sounding, speaking to her conviction. It irritated him to no end. He appreciated that she cared, yet it was simply not her place. She was a friend, but it’s not like she was... It’s not as though she had any real authority over him. </p><p>
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</p><p>“It’s not really any of your business, so.” He ended the words sharply, giving a tight shrug of one shoulder. DIsmissive. It really wasn’t any of her business. </p><p>
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</p><p>“I don’t see how it’s not my business when my best friend is off doing things that can put him in danger. Where. Were. You?” Her last question was sharp, dangerous. Rather than the desired effect, Eren turned to ignore her. Or he would have if Mikasa hadn’t immediately grabbed his shoulder and turned him towards her. “You’re acting recklessly again, you bought weed again, didn’t you?”</p><p>
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</p><p>“Mikasa, it’s literally just weed.”</p><p>
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</p><p>“I know it’s just weed Eren, I care more about whatever shady guy you’re buying it from.”</p><p>
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</p><p>“First of all, he’s not shady, and, second of all, I can take care of myself.” Mikasa’s look of disbelief was the only response he received as class began. Mikasa was always attentive, so she didn’t bother him save for the elbow jab when he started nodding off. When class ended, though, Eren refused to look at her as he packed away his things, even as they walked together towards the cafeteria. His school operated on the AB scheduling system, so he had two long classes in the morning, followed by lunch, and then two more, somehow more excruciatingly long, classes. </p><p>
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</p><p>His typical lunch table with his friends was, as per usual, boisterous. Eren didn’t pay much mind to it, instead concentrating on his lunch. Armin sat next to him, also quietly reading a textbook. Armin was usually quiet, Eren being quiet was different though. Or at least, it was sometimes. Sometimes the brunette was lost in his head constantly, and others he was loud and yelling. But his silence today was noticeable for a reason entirely unrelated to himself, rather Mikasa had a hard look in her eyes. Eren was doing a really good job at ignoring it. In fact, he was doing a good job ignoring them all until he reflexively grabbed at pale skin that flashed in front of his face. He looked at the wrist caught in his hand, as Sasha had reached for his lunch. Everyone was looking at him. His aggressiveness wasn’t usually noteworthy, but he supposed with Mikasa’s obvious upset, it was now. Eren laughed it off, releasing her wrist, abruptly abandoning both his lunch and his lunch table. </p><p>
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</p><p>This decision he was thankful for when a certain someone tapped his shoulder. Whipping around, Eren appraised him, deciding if he should hit the guy for touching him. However, upon recognition, Eren quickly abandoned the notion. “Hey.” He said simply, he found that greeting people simply, with no unnecessary questions got them to the point quicker. </p><p>
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</p><p>“Hey.” The boy replied, he was quite tall. He was a senior, newly 18, and he always had a guarded expression. It didn’t matter how hard he tried to hide himself, everyone knew everything about him at this school. Which is how Eren had come into contact with him. When Eren raised an eyebrow, he received a short nod in return. He held his hand out, the taller boy dropping the arranged purchase into his hand, which Eren quickly added to his wallet. “Thank you for your business.” The senior added, before ducking away. Sweet. </p><p>
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</p><p>With his mood suddenly doing much better, Eren turned around, walking back towards the cafeteria. He approached Mikasa from behind, sliding his arms forward over her shoulders, connecting his hands at her collarbone. Her body jerked as she was startled, but Eren rested his chin on her head. “Quit being mad, okay?” He knew she couldn’t keep herself from sighing, relaxing back into him. </p><p>
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</p><p>“Sure.” The intonation was accompanied by a small shrug. Eren pulled back, patting her head. He noticed the momentary flash of jealousy in Jean’s eyes but ultimately ignored it. It didn’t bother him, he knew that Mikasa was only his friend and he also knew that Mikasa showed little to no interest in Jean’s interest, so what he did, didn’t really matter in the end. He sat back at his seat, stealing some of his remaining lunch back from Sasha. His reclamation earned him a fruit cup and half a Capris Sun. </p><p>
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</p><p>Eren looked over at Armin then, gently prodding the blond’s shoulder. “How did the college tours go?” The other boy’s eyes immediately lit up. </p><p>
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</p><p>“They were super interesting, and the campuses were beautiful. I still think I’ll want to go further from home though, maybe somewhere on the coast.” He sighed wistfully. Eren knew that he would get in anywhere he applied. There was no way he wouldn’t. </p><p>
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</p><p>“Makes sense.” Eren shrugged. They carried on like that for the rest of the lunch period. His next class had both Jean and Sasha in it, and so they walked together. It was as long and as boring as any other class, the last with Connie was the same. Even on B days, Eren had no classes with Armin. There was no way he could qualify for the honors classes his friend was in. Oh well. At least with his last two classes, Eren could once again make up for the lack of restful sleep he gained at night. </p><p>
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</p><p>With the last bell rung and his freedom finally gained, Eren nearly soared back to his locker. His good mood was still perfectly intact, and he gladly packed his backpack to head home. Even the packed bus ride wasn’t able to dampen his mood. When he finally reached home and locked himself in his room, he eagerly pulled his wallet out, followed by its newest resident. </p><p>
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</p><p>His own face was shown back to him, an ID which was a perfect replica of his current one aside from the lack of color indicating a minor. He was officially 18, old enough to drink in Shiganshina.</p><p>
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>y'aaaall I did it lmao</p><p>this one was a bit of a slog to get through since.. I had to write application essays n'shit</p><p>I apologize that I find it so fckn funny to write brand names in this but otherwise I hope it's enjoyable enough</p><p>if you notice any sort of writing change it's because halfway through this chapter I finally migrated it to my computer so no more phone writing, hopefully that means less typos uhhhh</p><p>thank you again for the kudos and bookmarks !</p>
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<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>tw: non-consensual drug use, underage drinking</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The entire week Eren was in a noticeably better mood than usual, it wasn’t often anymore that he was in such a sustained state. Usually his moods fluctuated rapidly: idle, angry, content, sad, They swirled around in his head, fighting for dominance. But this week, this week he was smiling more than he had in recent memory. The only thing which even slightly dampened his mood was the poorly concealed faces of relief or hope amongst his friends. He tried to ignore their looks, whatever they felt about his mood didn’t matter. They were always his friends. He also wasn’t some charity case that required such looks, or the sympathy or worry that went along with them. Regardless, even that thought couldn’t totally sour his mood. Instead, he found himself purposefully hanging out with his friends more than he had in the past few months. It was Friday now, but the friends had gone out everyday after school since Tuesday. They did their normal thing, going to coffee shops or some fast food joint to hang out and gorge themselves on after school snacks. However, when Jean approached him at his locker at the end of the day, Eren shook his head immediately, before Jean even uttered a single sound. </p><p>“Hey, why not?” He raised his eyebrow, the corner of his mouth quirking a second later. “Getting ready to stay over at my place again?” His tone was clearly sarcastic, and Eren was particularly glad for the reminder. His grandparents hadn’t said anything to him about him lying to them. Although, this morning before he left his grandmother had made a specific point to ask him where he was staying this weekend. Eren usually didn’t stay out back to back weekends, but he couldn’t stay in now that he had a fake ID. He had to use it as soon as possible. He, however, hadn’t missed the momentary look of disapproval when he’d told her he was staying with Armin. It seemed now she didn’t believe him, but also that she still didn’t care enough to do anything about it. </p><p>Eren shrugged in response to Jean. “Got better things to do.” It took just a moment of processing before the taller boy let out a very offended ‘hey!’ as he wrapped his arm around Eren’s throat from his vantage point behind him. Effectively trapping him in a chokehold, resulting in Eren rather aggressively elbowing Jean in the torso. Their squabble escalated for awhile before a single strong hand gripped one of each of their shoulders in unison. Mikasa pulled them apart with a rather unimpressed look. </p><p>“Honestly.” She sighed out. “You two walys start unnecessary fights.” But her serious tone was interrupted by Eren and Jean laughing loudly. Sure, sometimes they seriously fought. A lot actually. Usually though it ended with laughter eventually, especially when Eren was in such a positive mood. </p><p>“Fine, I’ll hang out tonight.” He rolled his eyes. He really was staying with Armin, at least for a couple hours, so there wasn’t a real reason he’d said no to Jean other than to rile him up. It took a good twenty minutes for them to actually gather all of their friends before they walked to the coffee shop fifteen minutes away from the school. The barista working recognized them and waved, despite the chaos they brought with them. Luckily, not that many people were in the coffee shop at 4:30, so their boisterous group didn’t end up bothering anyone, at least not that any of them noticed. It was going like any other hangout, even the shadows that seemed to grow darker at the edges of the room, from the setting sun Eren supposed, although a sudden movement from one had caught his eyes for just a second. But he shook it off, the shadows didn’t matter. </p><p>“Yo Jean, when are you finally asking Mikasa out?” Eren asked after the raven-haired girl had gone from the table to scout out more coffee for their group.</p><p>“Dude, shut up.” Jean hissed, casting a worried glance to her. Eren was just being a dick, Jean would never ask her out. He didn’t have the gall, no matter how much of a blunt shithead he could be. Eren just barked out a laugh, his humor at the behest of his friend earning him a disapproving looking from Armin, although it was coupled with a small smile. There was no reaction from the other two, Connie and Sasha caught in some stupid inside joke between themselves. Like Eren, Armin, and Mikasa; Connie and Sasha had been a friend unit before the whole group had formed. </p><p>“Maybe if you weren’t such a coward…” Eren trailed off, gesturing. It earned him a, failed, punch to the shoulder, Jean’s fist grazing the air just above him instead. Eren laughed at the shit shot, rolling his eyes. The motion caused him to catch sight of the pin. He had secured it to his backpack for some reason, and everytime he saw it he was reminded of that strange man, and of his resolve to strictly not remember that night. He physically shook the thoughts away as Mikasa came back, their orders placed. </p><p>“You two, we’re in public.” She shook her head, sitting back in her seat between them. The friends continued on like that, until the evening grew later. Armin’s grandfather had arrived, and Eren and Armin stood from the table waving a goodbye at their friends. The drive to Armin’s house was as standard as it always was, his grandfather was kind but generally let the two friends chat on their own. The dinner wen the same as it always did when Eren came over. Everything was exactly the same as always, up until Eren slid one of his sleeping pills into his friend’s juice while they were doing their homework, or while Eren pretended to do his homework. He did feel bad drugging his friend, he really did. But, it was prescription stuff it couldn’t be that bad for him since it was legal. And he had to, so he wouldn’t worry him. It was just a necessary byproduct of his intended freedom for the night, Eren reasoned. Armin didn’t even notice any difference as he sipped it for the rest of the night until he suddenly grew exhausted, and climbed into bed. </p><p>Eren already knew Armin’s grandfather slept like the dead, so Eren felt no further qualms as he slid his wallet into his pocket and pulled his sweatshirt on. He knew that they kept an extra key in the potted plant next to the door, so after Eren slipped out the front door he locked it and returned the key to its home. The buses ran extraordinarily late on Fridays, and besides, it was really only 10. ANd so, Eren found himself on public transport, leading him back to the part of town he had grown so intimately conscious of. Technically speaking, it was a different town all together. Shiganshina was just one city in the Maria metropolitan area. Trost was deeper towards the city center, while Shiganshina was more suburban or at least had more houses and schools. The bus ride from Armin’s house only took 40 minutes as opposed to the hour it took to get to and from Eren’s own house, which is what made it ideal for this one off trip. Best case scenario, Eren could catch the last bus back and climb into bed back at Armins, otherwise he’d crash somewhere down in Trost before taking the earliest bus back. Either way, it ended with Armin not knowing anything about the outing, and Eren getting the time to be alone with himself. </p><p>When he got off the bus, he immediately started walking. He knew exactly where he was going, he’d past the bar plenty of times to know where it was. It seemed seedy enough that his ID wouldn’t be questioned. Sure, he’d examined it and couldn’t find anything to suggest it was false, but on one hand, he didn’t know shit about ID’s and on the other, he was sure he didn’t quite look 18 yet. When he stepped into the bar, apprehension ate at him. He certainly wasn’t at all nervous, not one bit. He did illegal shit all the time. Just usually, they were in back alley’s where dozens of adults couldn’t scrutinize his actions. And dozens there were, the bar was absolutely packed. It was equally dense with cigarette smoke, loud voices, and loud music. Bars didn’t seem to be that great after all, but the atmosphere wasn’t the point. THe point was… well the point was to drink. </p><p>Eren made his way over to the actual bar, handing his ID over after ordering a vodka cranberry. He didn’t at all know how to order from bars, but he’d seen someone in a movie walk up to a bar and ask for that, so that’s what he did with the hopes that the bar would magically be able to make him that. Luck was on his side it seemed, as the bar did exactly that. Or rather, the bartender, a very busy yet smiling brunet man. His drink was handed to him and his tab left open, as he found a somehow empty corner with his eyes, making his way over to revel in the seclusion. </p><p>“Hey, Eren!” He heard just as he was about to reach the table. Crap. With how loud it was in this place he couldn’t decipher the voice but he had for sure heard his name. With mild reproach, Eren turned slowly towards where the voice had come from. However, when he looked he saw no one. Thinking he must’ve actually imagined it after all, he turned back around, at the same time a hand enclosed his upper arm. A large hand, as the hand had made full circumference around it, although eren supposed he had gotten thinner. He shook his head from the rampant thoughts, nervousness settling in because that hand made him achingly panicked, the fact it could so easily engulf him was intimidating. No, no. Eren wasn’t afraid, he was never afraid. With confidence, Eren followed the hand back to its owner’s eyes. Relief washed through him. </p><p>“Reiner.” He nodded at him, acknowledging his presence. The much taller man released the hold on his arm, leaving Eren to freely face him. </p><p>“Now I know you’re not 18, what are you doing in a place like this?”</p><p>“My ID says otherwise.” Eren shrugged, it wasn’t a lie. Reiner laughed in response, gesturing back with his head towards a table where Bertholdt was sitting. Surprisingly, Annie was nowhere in sight. </p><p>“Come sit with us.” </p><p>“Yeah sure,” Eren murmured nonchalantly. How Reiner heard him he had no idea, but the blond leading him back to his table. For coming all the way out here to be alone, Eren sure seemed to end up not being alone a lot. Regardless, he climbed into a tall seat, finally sipping his drink. It was tart as fuck, keeping his face neutral turned out to be a heavy chore. One he apparently failed, as Reiner laughed at him once again. </p><p>“Let me get you something you’d like more.” Eren nodded, though he quickly chugged the rest of his cocktail, grimacing at the taste. In his rush to drink the cocktail he very decidedly did not like, he missed the dark look that passed from Bertholdt to Reiner and back. Soon enough, even, Eren was given another drink. “A lemon drop.” Reiner supplied, and Eren drank it. It was sweet as all hell, and Eren definitely enjoyed it way more. He also enjoyed the next, some devilish concoction of Red Bull and vodka. The more he drank, the easier the conversation with the two older men became. They didn’t talk about anything deep, just idle chatter. </p><p>“I don’t see anything wrong with getting a dog.” Reiner was saying, raising his eyebrows enticingly as his friend. </p><p>“The apartment doesn’t allow pets, Reiner.” </p><p>“Who cares? We’ll get a small one. What do you think Eren?”</p><p>“Oh, yeah sure I mean, dogs are cute.” After his response, Reiner smirked and gave Bertholdt a very I-told-you-so look, who simply rolled his eyes in response. </p><p>“We are not getting a dog.” </p><p>“Fine,” Reiner finally succumbed, before he turned to Eren. “What would you say to being our pet?” Eren laughed at the joke, though Reiner’s laughter was delayed and Bertholdt’s never came. </p><p>Eren mostly, despite his increasing comfort, just listened to the two friends talk as time went on, only occasionally adding to the conversation when he was asked a direct question. He still didn’t notice the careful looks Bertholdt gave him, careful and assessing. In fact, after some amount of time had passed, even the conversation became unnoticed. Instead, Eren felt very… light. Dizzy. The lights around him were blurring together. When he noticed, he set his forehead against the table, wanting the cool table to cool his head and block his eyes from the burden of vision. He felt a large hand run over his hair and down to the back of his neck, gently clasping around it. “Eren, you feeling alright?” The words floated down to him in a distant way, like he was much further away with earmuffs over his ears. He swallowed against the table, not even able to respond. His head felt so fucking light, but he couldn’t even fathom trying to lift it up. He felt the grip on his neck tighten, and suddenly his face was pulled from the table, and Reiner looked him in the face. “Eren?”</p><p>“Air.” Eren finally gasped out, and Reiner dragged him from the table and outside. The trip there was awful, his feet stumbled over themselves and he had to concentrate hard to not vomit due to the excessive swaying and room tilting he felt. When the cold air hit his skin, he felt instantaneous relief, gasping it in. He still felt entirely not okay, but the cold air gave him something to stave off the dizziness-induced nausea. Reiner pressed him up against a wall, which Eren gratefully slid down. </p><p>“Better?” Reiner asked, Eren nodded. It was better, in some ways. “Shit, let me go get Bertholdt and I’ll take you back to my place to sleep this shit off.” Was Reiner smirking? Eren nodded though, the dizziness and confusion coming back in full force, his head slumping to the side. He couldn’t concentrate anymore, everything around him was moving too fast. When Reiner left, all Eren saw was the motion of a shadow with a halo of gold atop its head. It felt like time expanded before him, paving out a new planet to inhabit, the evolution of a molecule into a whole world expanding before him, but it also felt like no time at all. It had taken forever, and yet he couldn’t recall so it nagged at his mind that it had been a long time while all he could remember was a halo before strong arms slid between his arms and his torso, pulling him up to stand against the wall. Strong arms that didn’t feel familiar. </p><p>“Were you drugged?” The words swirled around him, the voice unfamiliar. Eren couldn’t even respond, his head falling to the side onto his shoulder, limply lying there. An annoyed noise seemed to be made, prefacing the sudden motion. Eren wanted to vomit again. He could not handle this much motion right now, but he was only able to make soft noises of protest. And that’s when he finally blacked out. </p><p>He roused again on a strange couch in an unfamiliar room, even if it was too dark to see. He wasn’t as dizzy but he was drunker, the alcohol sitting in his system had been further processed. With a groan, he rolled off the couch, crashing into the floor with a yelp. It’s not quite what he’d been going for, originally intending to stand up to figure out where the hell he was. Something felt distinctly, off. </p><p>“Oi, you’re awake.” Came a voice, the voice from before. And before that. It was way more recognizable now that the world wasn’t flipping around him. He didn’t get a moment to ponder that notion longer as he smelt <em>something<em> strange. Everything just felt… off. And then he felt his mind slip away again. It must have been a shorter time before he regained consciousness this time, but when he did his body was heavy and his muscles were aching, sore, and tired. His eyes opened slowly, but his soul nearly jumped his body when he made eye contact with someone looming over him. The man was crouched near him, dark bangs draped over his forehead, silver-gray eyes piercing, thin lips quirked in an unreadable fashion. “You epileptic, kid?” </em></em></p><p>
  <em>
    <em>Eren simply stared at him, completely lost for words. What the <em>hell<em> was happening? His brain was still coming to speed with everything going on around him. He was in a strange house, and a stranger was above him. Epileptic? “No.” Eren croaked out, his mouth excruciatingly dry. The man stood quietly, walking away. Fuck, was he kidnapped? Eren was just peering back in his memory, remembering how he got here. Slowly, very slowly. He had felt terrible, Reiner had brought him outside, and then this man asked if he was drugged and picked him up… after that was blackness. Before he could wonder for a moment longer, the man brought back a glass full of water. He didn’t offer Eren a hand as he forced himself up, shifting to sit against the front of the couch. “Thanks.” He mumbled as he was handed the water. He sipped at it, further recollecting his memories. “Was I roofied?” </em></em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>“Doubt it.” </em>
      </em>
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        <em>“Doubt it... why?” The man looked… bored. </em>
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</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>
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        <em>“I brought you here an hour ago, you seem fine now and you remember everything.” </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>“Then, what happened?”</em>
      </em>
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    <em>
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        <em>“Who knows.” His voice hit his ears suddenly, in a rush. He remembered that voice. But before that thought could blossom further, his mind called back to the question the man had asked him. </em>
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        <em>“Did I have a seizure?”</em>
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        <em>“Yes.” The man said, appraising him. “Thank whatever deity you worship that you didn’t puke all over my carpet.” The words were offensive really. The carpet is what mattered? But again, his voice called back to him. The more he spoke. It was nagging at him, was it possible that this guy was <em>that<em> guy?</em></em></em>
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            <em>“Have we met before?” Eren asked reproachfully, the curiosity eating at him and, it seemed, anxiety. He felt marginally insane, there was no way in hell that a coincidence like this had happened. </em>
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            <em>“In a sense.” The man replied, eyes still expressionless, his whole face expressionless really. It freaked Eren the fuck out, how could a human mask their face that well? Eren could change his expression, but he couldn’t erase his expressions altogether. </em>
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            <em>“You’re not much of a talker,” Eren said, annoyance in his own voice all too clear. Why was this guy so cryptic? </em>
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            <em>“I suppose not.” He left again then, coming back with a pillow and blanket, setting them on the couch. “Go to bed.” Go to… bed? Here? In a stranger’s house? Eren was once again dumbfounded. What the actual hell was going on? Who was this guy?</em>
          </em>
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            <em>“Did we smoke together?” Eren thought that, perhaps, if he asked more specific questions he’d get clearer answers. </em>
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            <em>“Yes.”</em>
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            <em>“You gave me a pin.” The man’s eyebrow quirked in annoyance, the first real expression that Eren could even discern on his pale face. </em>
          </em>
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</p><p>
  <em>
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            <em>“Don’t interrogate the people who help you brat.” </em>
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</p><p>
  <em>
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            <em>“Are you helping me?”</em>
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</p><p>
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            <em>“What does this look like?”</em>
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</p><p>
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            <em>“Kidnapping?”</em>
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            <em>“Don’t flatter yourself.” That made Eren bare his teeth a little. Don’t kid yourself? As if it was some great honor to be kidnapped. Besides, any kidnapper would kidnap him he was sure. He was a good-looking boy, he could at least be sold for parts at a high price point. </em>
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            <em>The exhaustion hit him then. He didn’t feel at all safe sleeping here, but it seemed the seizure had exhausted him. He supposed it made sense if it was anything like he’d seen in the movies. He, against his better judgment, not that he had great judgment, to begin with, climbed onto the couch. It was utterly exhausting. His last worries were eaten away by it. He laid down, stiffly pulling the blanket over himself. </em>
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            <em>“What’s your name?”The man asked suddenly. It surprised him, sure he’d asked him if he’d been drugged and if he was an epileptic, but those were purely clinical questions. There was nothing clinical about this one, this was a personal question. </em>
          </em>
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            <em>“Eren.” The boy mumbled, the pull of dreams was heavy on his eyelids. But still, he repeated the question back to the man. “What’s your name?”</em>
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  <em>
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            <em>“Levi.”</em>
          </em>
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</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>thank you, everyone, for reading and also everyone who's interacted by leaving kudos or comments and stuff I still can't believe anyone is reading this lmaooo</p><p>I was a bit jazzed about writing his chapter unlike the last one so I got done p fast</p><p>not me writing out my bar anxieties through eren</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>tw: minor violence</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Waking up without the aid of a nightmare was foreign to him, save for the use of drugs. Furthermore, not waking up still completely exhausted was even more foreign. So when Eren roused in the morning, with the sun beating down on his face and pleasantly warming his body, he was content for once. Confused, but content. This contentedness proceeded on for several moments until he remembered that this sleep most likely <em>was<em> drug-induced. That asshole drugged him. Eren opened his eyes abruptly, which forced the rest of the memories from the night before to resurface,i0 violently coursing through his cranium. That. Fucker. Would. Pay. </em></em></p><p>
  <em>
    <em>Before the brunet could get too deep into his revenge fantasy, the man—Levi—walked into the room. Eren stared at him, previous thoughts completely dispelled. The mystery he had forcibly pushed away was now in the forefront, he could finally get some answers. Now that he was clear-headed he wouldn’t possibly back down and go to sleep like he had last night. He had too many questions. Eren observed him closely. Last night he had seen his bangs and the color of his eyes, however now Eren was able to fully appreciate the undercut, the sharp angles of his eyes, high cheekbones, the man’s relatively short stature. Eren wasn’t much taller than him, but he knew he would be growing more. From what he could tell, this man was older than him, most likely past the point of vertical growth. That said, Eren could tell he was strong; shoulders, arms, and chest betraying the secret. So caught in his reverie, the boy didn’t even get a chance to ask any questions. Without a word Levi had walked towards him, extending his hand. Eren’s eyes widened for the slightest of moments in surprise, as he looked down. Encased in the man’s pale, long-fingered hand was a phone. His phone. “What the hell?” Eren asked, his eyebrows coming together as he quickly snatched the device. </em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>“It was loud, no clue how it didn’t pierce your skull.” The man replied but walked away towards what Eren surmised was the kitchen, the path familiar to the one the man had taken last night before he’d brought Eren water. The thought was mostly procrastination, his careful assessment of Levi’s steps all a way to delay the inevitable of looking down at his phone. Regardless, he finally looked down at it, turning it back on. The first thing that caught his eye was the time. Fuck. It was just past noon, certainly not the morning he’d previously thought. The second thing: 7 missed calls, 23 text messages. <em>Fuck<em>. Eren wasn’t the least bit surprised that the majority of them were from Mikasa. Anytime he’d been in trouble as a kid, Armin had run to her. The lack of surprise, however, did not keep the conflicting emotions at bay. He was faintly happy his friends cared for him, he always had been. They always had each other’s backs, more or less. He loved that about their friend group, but it felt so different now. Now that everything about Eren had changed, their care didn’t feel genuine anymore. So while threads of that past warmth swirled in his chest at their supposed caring, he also felt annoyance and distinct upset. Annoyance based on the largest part of his brain supplying that they, his friends, pitied him more than they cared. It felt disgusting to be pitied like that. Upset because why did Armin always have to run to Mikasa, and why did she have to insist on treating him like... Someone, some<em>thing<em> lesser?</em></em></em></em></em>
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            <em>With only minor hesitation, Eren unlocked the phone and called Armin back. He did not want the lecture from Mikasa, and, despite Armin’s high intelligence, he had more confidence in Armin’s view of him to allow for a lie to stick. The phone barely cycled through a single ring before it was picked up, obviously in a hurry based on the half gasp he heard from Armin. “Eren!” The blond boy more or less shouted into the receiver. Eren groaned, slowly realizing that despite his calm wake up, his head was absolutely killing him, the shout causing a splitting pain that certainly brought forth the pain. </em>
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            <em>“Hey, Armin.” He said slowly, running his tongue over the roof of his mouth as he urged saliva to reclaim the dry parts of his mouth to allow his words to flow more freely. He supposed the symptoms of the hangover hadn’t been immediately noticeable since he’d been through much harder ‘hangovers’ from his other past times. </em>
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            <em>“Where are you?!” The question was yet another shout, and Eren found himself pulling the phone back from his ear to sit a comfortable inch away from his face since his ears were acting as a doorway leading directly to his aching brain. “Are you okay?!”</em>
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            <em>“I’m fine,” Eren mumbled into the phone. “I’m on a walk.” There was a pause on the other side of the lime for the first time. A very long pause. A pause that allowed Eren to fully realize how absolute idiotic his lie was, painfully obvious for what it was. </em>
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            <em>“A walk?” Armin finally asked, incredulous, and Eren thought for a moment he had actually, somehow convinced the boy. That the tone of voice was because of course Eren was just on a walk. It was a rather stupid notion, Eren realized. But for a second his hungover mind really thought it had gotten away with it. “How stupid do you think I am Eren? It’s noon.” He sounded worried still but also… disappointed. Typical. His friends continued their trend of treating him like a child needing to be taken care of. Obviously, he was just fine on his own. Ignoring the whole drugging thing, which Eren was sure he could have dealt with on his own. “I called your grandparents.” And that brought Eren out of his thoughts. </em>
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            <em>“And <em>what<em> did you tell them, exactly?” Eren hissed through the phone, all the hatred he had for the world fueled the pure malice that tore out of him. He was absolutely livid, it was not Armin’s place at all, they were friends but Armin was <em>not<em> his keeper. </em></em></em></em></em>
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                    <em>“I told them what happened! You disappeared! What if you were dead Eren?” If Eren had a clearer mind, one that hadn’t been so thoroughly tainted by a world of bad outcomes, or by the musings of his own psyche, he might’ve heard the very real, and very sincere worry in his friend’s voice. The hangover certainly helped, really none of the events of the past day helped settle his mind at all. </em>
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                    <em>“Then <em>let me be dead Armin<em>.” Eren cursed as he hung up. He didn’t even care about how awkward it would be when he inevitably had to pick up his backpack, all he could even feel at this point was the pounding, whooshing sound of tinnitus in his ears, egged on by the blood rushing to his face, heating it angry red. Eren stood quickly then, only wavering slightly on his feet from the too-quick-motion. He shoved his phone into his left pocket before he realized that his wallet was no longer in his right. He couldn’t even process the thought of looking for it before he let out a frustrated half-scream. Levi peaked out from behind the wall that separated him in the kitchen, though his face remained impassive. He must’ve heard the phone call, and must not have cared. Eren shot him a fierce glare at that moment, his anger easily adapting to surround this man who he didn’t know. Anger for his stoicism, and the mystery surrounding him. “Did you steal my damn wallet?” Eren barked out the question, it sounding more demanding than questioning. His glare remained strong on his face, he did not have the capacity to deal with this right now. The man didn’t seem to care too much about the glare, instead, looking mildly… amused, as he walked over to the coffee table. He picked up Eren’s wallet, which had been in plain view, and handed it to the boy. Eren shoved it in his pocket as he stormed out. Levi didn’t stop him. </em></em></em>
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                        <em>Eren didn’t recognize the street he exited onto from the apartment building. It finally forced him to take a deep breath and to put aside some of his anger. It cleared his head enough that when he looked around, he caught the bus stop across the street. The sign proudly displayed the number of his normal route and Eren was only mildly uncomfortable with the idea of how close he’d been to this man before. He seemed to pass the man’s home every time he visited Trost. It unsettled him, the thought of stalkers flashing through his mind. His thoughts were, once again, cut off that day when he saw the bus driving towards the stop from just a bit further down the road. Eren quickly ran across the street so that he wouldn’t have to wait the next 15 minutes outside on this strange street corner. </em>
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                        <em>The bus ride, against Eren’s wishes, forced him to calm down more. Sustaining the rage while, mostly, alone on a bus with the afternoon bus shining in on his headache just didn’t seem possible. Instead, he took a nap. Unfortunately, that meant that it felt as though he had arrived at the stop for Armin’s house in no time. He would deny the reluctance with which he exited the bus, Eren certainly did not feel nervous about seeing his friend. He didn’t need him, it was fine. His walk to the boy’s house finally rendered his anger fully obsolete, the more he thought about it the more he realized this really didn’t matter in the end. His grandparents wouldn’t actually care, they’d just pretend everything was fine like always, so what did it matter if Armin had told them? Mikasa was another story, but even if she tried to suggest she had some sort of authority over him, she simply didn’t. It would only be an annoyance to deal with her protectiveness. He glanced at his phone, the three new missed call notifications were from her, along with a text stating that Armin had messaged her so she knew he was alive, and that she was worried. Right. The brunet was glad he had kept his phone on silent so that his nap wasn’t interrupted. It had helped his headache somewhat, though his mouth was still tending towards the drier side.  At this point, his musings only served to stall the inevitable. Armin didn’t live far from the bus stop, so he was already staring at the front door. Finally, he just forced himself to grab the key from the plant pot and walk into the house. </em>
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                        <em>When he entered, the living room was empty, although Eren could hear the sounds of food preparation coming from the kitchen. Armin’s grandfather always made sure to make them meals, he supposed the older man, in general, always made sure to feed Armin. So rather than going towards the sounds, Eren walked to Armin’s room. He hoped that his friend was helping his grandfather so that he didn’t have to deal with confronting him as he picked up his items. However, luck continued to not be on his side this weekend as when he opened the door, Armin looked up from where he had been sitting on his bed. His expression was tense, eyebrow and mouth quirked in a way that suggested stress, it looked as though he had been specifically waiting for him Perhaps even hoping he’d come back, a stupid hope. Eren had no choice but to come back, even if only for the short duration of the task at hand. When Armin saw him, his expression darkened slightly. Eren didn’t care to know what he was thinking exactly, so instead of saying anything to him, he picked up his backpack. </em>
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                        <em>“Eren, can we please talk?” The tightness in his voice pleaded the distress his friend was experiencing. It didn’t move Eren at all, he just wanted to leave. </em>
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                        <em>“About what exactly?” He hadn’t consciously decided to say the words, and so he didn’t exactly know why he asked the question, rather than abruptly leaving. With the words spoken, he turned to train his stare on Armin, waiting for a response. </em>
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                        <em>“We know that what happened last year w—” Eren cut him off abruptly. </em>
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                        <em>“We?” He asked, the word heavy with suspicion as regret for not escaping sooner tugged at the back of his mind. </em>
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                        <em>“We.” Mikasa’s voice affirmed from behind him as the door he had left open shut suddenly. Eren cast a glance back, the girl did not move from her position in front of the closed door. They had trapped him in this room to force him to talk. But there was nothing to talk about, his weekend escapades were private and he would not utter a single word about them to either of them. “Eren you’re our best friend, let us help you,” Mikasa said, oddly warm. Perhaps Armin caught the angry quirk of muscle in Eren’s cheek, for he spoke up quickly before Eren could say anything in response. </em>
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                        <em>“We know that what happened last year was traumatic, and of course you need however much time you need to grieve. But, you can rely on us more. You can talk to us, please just tell us what has been going on with you.” Eren didn’t interrupt him, but he let a severe scowl take over his features. </em>
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                        <em>“I don’t need <em>anyone<em>.” Eren’s words were snarled with heavy conviction, he didn’t feel the need to rely on anyone, and he didn’t appreciate the allusion to memories he would rather not think about. “And I am not grieving, there’s nothing to grieve.” Armin looked over Eren’s shoulder, past him exchanging some look with Mikasa, Eren didn’t bother to decipher it. </em></em></em>
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                            <em>“Eren, what happened to your, your parents… you have to confront that.”  Eren’s mind shut down. He heard the words in the moment, but he felt his touch on them gradually disappearing. His brain shoved away any connection to the words. He knew now, unlike during his stint at the hospital last year, what happened, but his mind still didn’t let any memories or references to them exist in full color, his memories, instead, a faded grayscale. As his connection to what was going around him faded, his vision darkened at the edges, creeping ever closer to the center of his ill-focused eyes. A concerned shout of his name vaguely reached him, but his conscious mind didn’t seem at all attuned to the environment around him anymore. And as soon as it set on, it backed off. He could see again, could see Mikasa clutching her nose, hands not able to stop the escape of blood down towards her chin. Eren glanced down at his hands, still clenched in fists, one around a backpack strap and the other was simply adorned with smeared blood. Internalizing what happened didn’t take long, this had happened to him multiple times now. It had gotten him in trouble at school on and off, teachers were well-used to his answer of ‘I don’t know’ when they asked what happened. Eren never told anyone what really happened, and that included this specific moment. He made eye contact with Mikasa for a moment longer, before he quickly just ran from the house. </em>
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                            <em>He could’ve waited for the next bus, but instead, Eren began to walk home. The hour-long walk was much needed, it gave him time to calm down, once again. Or try to, he was seriously freaking out. He had never blacked out and hit one of his friends like that, it was always other kids who probably deserved a punch to the face or gut. Despite the anger and irrational thoughts he had towards his friends, they were some of the only people who truly mattered the most to him. And now he felt like an absolute monster. He was sure Mikasa would forgive him, but he still felt terrible. The guilt picked at his stomach like a vulture, until Eren slowly came to his newest realization. He had no reason to feel so guilty, his friends had trapped him. Physically and otherwise, so really it was completely acceptable for Eren to try to exit the situation after they had refused to let him go. The way that denial worked in his brain wasn’t new to him, of course, he didn’t understand or notice it setting in. He never had. </em>
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                            <em>When he finally arrived home, Eren’s mind was back at its tentative peace. Of course, peace to his mind wasn’t very peaceful. Anger kept a regular residence, but that, too, was calming for him. He had no qualms about unlocking the door, until he saw his grandparents sitting in the living room, perched on the couch, clearly waiting for his return. Eren refused to do this twice in one day. This twist in fate seemed way too cruel, even to Eren, at that moment. Not only had he apparently been drugged and met some weird guy who was potentially stalking him, but all this shit had to happen too. Eren moved to walk past his grandparents, to sulk in his room for the rest of the night. But to his utter shock, and sudden horror, his grandfather grabbed his wrist. Surely they didn’t mean to actually talk about something that was going on?</em>
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                            <em>“Eren, take a seat.” The words held authority, something that words from his grandfather had never before held. His grandmother’s voice had shown authority once before when they had taken the photograph from him. But otherwise, they were completely removed from him, docile in their interactions. But not now. Stiffly, Eren sat on the plush chair which was positioned across from the couch, he did not back down from staring directly at them, however. “We need to talk.” Eren simply nodded in response. “This is two weekends in a row that your whereabouts have been a mystery, and the second weekend in a row you have lied about it. Eren you are fifteen.” That, though, set him off again. His emotions today were rocketing, it wasn’t uncommon but today felt particularly bad. </em>
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                            <em>“I’m sure you really care about that a lot.” The words dripped with antagonizing sarcasm. His grandparents looked shocked, but considering he usually used a strong mask around them, it made sense. They hadn’t seen this side of him, he hadn’t wanted them to previously. All the calls from the school informing them of his misconduct went undetected, so of course, they truly didn’t know about this side of him. Naturally, the school had a false number, a prepaid phone Eren had bought in a rush when a teacher informed him that they would be calling his grandparents that night in response to some bad grade, changing the school’s contact number for him had been easy. The lack of interaction went further undetected by the school, the system didn’t give a real damn about the students. This all narrowed back into the resolute knowledge that lived in his head: his grandparents left him alone so he’d left them alone, but now they had broken this unsaid contract. </em>
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                            <em>“We do care Eren, of course, we do! We figured you needed space, but this is… too far.” His grandmother’s words were much softer than his grandfather’s, and yet Eren found no solace in them. False compassion ripped him up more than the commanding tone his grandfather had used, it tore at his edges allowing for more of himself to feed flame enveloping him. </em>
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                            <em>“No, you really don’t, I just,” The words, despite his mounting anger, were spoken sharply and coldly, yet he still cut the sentence short. The realization hit that none of this mattered. They’d never admit to their apathy towards him, and they didn’t understand how trapped he felt here. They couldn’t understand what he needed, because they had no desire to. The thoughts fueled him in a new direction, now all he wanted at that moment was to escape, he had had enough today, and his grandparents did seem content with dropping this. Logically, then, the only way to get out of this unnecessary conversation was to just leave, ignore his grandparents and go to his room. </em>
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                            <em>“Eren, we love you, please just talk to us.” The words were spoken sadly, and it just fueled that instinctual anger of being lied to, he abhorred it. Storming out would be dramatic, running away would be worse. But in that moment everything had caught up to him. The alcohol, the drugging, the seizure, his strange sleepover, just all of it swirled around him in a choking cloud. The experiences beat down on him, numbing his limbs and making it hard to breathe. He couldn’t hear either, because the repeated attack of his thoughts clashed in his ears. It was claustrophobic, everything pressing in around him. It stifled all of his senses, and finally, Eren just vaulted from his seat. It seemed that he was simply like this now, a runner. He kept running away from everything, it was disgusting. How was he supposed to take the world by the throat and destroy it if he couldn’t look it in the eye? And yet, Eren found himself once again on public transportation. If he could have any coherent thought he might’ve been annoyed about all the back and forth he had had to deal with today, but no. Instead, he was caught within an internal, swirling purgatory, one made up of his own thoughts. </em>
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                            <em>All the travel today meant that when Eren left his bus stop and made his way towards a familiar park, the day was already settling into the early evening. The park was as empty as it always was, still closed for the season. Normally, he’d never jump the fence in daylight but he honestly couldn’t be bothered about being seen at the moment. Instead, he hopped the fence and found himself climbing into a familiar play tunnel and abruptly falling asleep, seemingly no one noticed the boy hopping the fence or simply couldn’t bring themselves to care, since he was not bothered. Honestly, a blessing since the emotional turmoil of the day had been way too much, even for him. It felt as though the delicate balance of his dual lives was abruptly falling apart, and he felt even more unsure about the future than he usually did. He had no clue how to resolve the issue, how he could ever hope to explain to his family and friends. Surely, they would require an explanation before they’d accept him back. His dreams played on this, his family and friends alternating between surrounding him as a jeering crowd and completely ignoring him. </em>
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                            <em>He woke after only a few hours, though the chill of the night had settled over the park, and Eren found himself freezing, the discomfort which had woken him this time. He had had the nightmares, as one may expect from the turmoil in his brain, but it seemed as though his mind was masochistic, as it had continued endlessly, and never had his body relented to wake itself. Eren stared at the top of the play tunnel for several minutes, willing himself to go back to sleep, despite the discomfort. It didn’t work, and Eren didn’t have any of the necessary supplies he needed for a night spent outside. He barely even had any money and had even less of an idea regarding how long he’d be out here. He climbed from the play tunnel, however, suddenly hopeful that he had a pack of cigarettes in his backpack. The smoke would help relieve some of his stress, with the added benefit of giving him some subtle warmth. He positioned himself with his back against the tunnel and searched through his backpack, gleefully locating his prize. When he opened it though, all hope crashed around him. It was empty. The curses he barraged himself with were particularly colorful as he angrily tossed the empty box aside. </em>
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                            <em>He could feel the melancholy pulling his mind and body down into a vat of darkness. This situation was fucked. Everything going on around him utterly sucked, and the sadness rather than the anger finally allowed him to feel, at least a minutia, of regret. He hated regretting things, and actively worked to make sure he never did. But he couldn’t deny that this time he had fucked up, he’d been too careless and gotten caught. And now, how was he supposed to come back from this? The closest people in his life had always seemed to find the best in him, some excuse for his behavior, but the boy highly doubted that this time would be the same. The idea of his life tumbling down around him just kept picking at his brain, calling forth an unsettling of his stomach. His reverie allowed for someone to approach him, not for the first time, without him noticing either the fence hopping or boots creating a steady tapping on concrete before the sound was deafened by playground bark. He didn’t notice until the toes of said boots suddenly stepped into his vision. The sense of foreboding did not stop him, though, instead, when Eren looked up, following the dark silhouette of legs, he stared at the shadowed face. He attempted to discern any features of this man, wanting to at least know the face of his potential murderer. With a startled breath, he realized he somehow already recognized the silhouette, and in a whiplash of deja vu, Eren looked up to where he presumed Levi’s eyes were. </em>
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                            <em>“What the hell are you doing, brat?” The voice affirmed what Eren had already known. At this point, it did seem that Levi was some sort of stalker. So realistically, the brunet knew he should’ve run from him at full sprint, but for some reason, he didn’t feel particularly endangered or otherwise enticed to run. He had run enough today, and he was exhausted. He didn’t want to feel emotions anymore today.  </em>
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                            <em>“Sleeping, what about you?” The words were oddly bitter, although some of the effect was lost as the shivering of his body was intense by this point, the chattering of his teeth persisted despite his best efforts to lock his jaw from clicking shut repeatedly. </em>
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                            <em>“Smoking.” Levi moved then, crouching in front of Eren. Before the boy could ask what he was doing, a cigarette was placed between his lips. The flick of a flame reflected in the man’s eyes, casting an inhuman quality into them. His face was warm from the orange glow, and the stoic expression was ever-present. As quickly as the light had illuminated his face, it disappeared again, leaving behind a lit cigarette in Eren’s mouth. It also ended with Eren feeling slightly more breathless than he had been before, though he didn’t know why. Like that first night, they smoked in silence. However, once Eren had finished his, he walked over to the nearby ashtray and deposited the bud before he returned. “What are you doing out here, kid?” The man asked again, though more pointedly than before. </em>
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                            <em>“I told you, sleeping,” Eren said, rubbing his hands together. The warmth in his fingertips was making the ice of the rest of his hands more readily apparent. Levi glanced around then, from what Eren could tell of the shadow’s shifting, observing the area. Eren couldn’t see very far in front of him, but Levi somehow seemed to see more. </em>
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                            <em>“Shit, it’s too cold to sleep out here.” He sighed, annoyed. “Let’s go then.” There was no question in his words because the statement held no room for objection. Part of Eren wanted to fight against any demand, but the exhaustion from the day was too much. After Levi finished his cigarette, they left the park together. They didn’t talk. Eren knew that it was strange and he was probably being an idiot, but his memories of the soft couch and the warm living room were too good of a deal to pass up. Besides, he didn’t care if this guy murdered him, not right now.</em>
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>i'm so sorry this chapter was so gd dramatic, but I promise it's not random</p><p>side note: I really hate masculine spellings of hair colors but I have succumbed to peer pressure lmaooo</p><p>get ready for more levi</p><p>thank you as always for reading this! and thank you to those who have left kudos and comments!</p>
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